Monthly Archives: March 2012

RIP Mike Grefner

As I may have mentioned before, my friend was missing for the last two months. His body was found in Whistler BC 4 days ago. The news broke this afternoon.

He made such a positive impact on my life. He taught me that to change the world, you have to change yourself.

I’ve lived and breathed this through my therapy over the last month.

My heart is breaking, but the words and influence he gave to me will never be forgotten.

Love love love, Mike. I hope your soul rests easy. ❀

Meditation today.

I am quite bothered by some things today, so it`s been difficult to focus.

One thing that is bothering me is that my friend has been missing for almost two months. They have found a body near his house in the last day and it is as of yet, unidentified. There`s so much more to this, but I have resolved myself not to dwell on it. I can only take things one day at a time, or I get overwhelmed.

Secondly, I have put my worry onto D for far too long. I should only be worrying about myself. Not anyone else.

But if you see my previous post, this is something that I really really struggle with. Not worrying.

So I remembered a piece of advice I heard from a friend the other day. She told me that she met a woman who every day would send out her love to George Bush…now, she asked this woman `why on earth would you do that`and her answer was that he needs love just like you and everyone else. So she then began a practice of sending love to people she didn`t like.

Not that I don`t like anyone, but today I decided to focus my attention in meditation on sending love and healing towards D, my friend who is missing, and my mom who is sick.

I imagined them wrapped up in a soft cocoon of light and love and healing. Then I asked the universe to take my pain and transfer it into healing and love. The visualization helps me work through the worry and pain that I am feeling, while using the energy in a positive way.

I feel a bit lighter. I`m going to meditate later again, but this time in the process my therapist has set out for me since session two. I needed to bring myself to a calmer place before attempting that today.

Learning is fun. πŸ™‚

What is mental illness?

I have to post about something that’s been bothering me.

Someone in my life doesn’t seem to think that being mentally afflicted is illness. To me, it is. It is something that is beyond my control without treatment. That affects every portion of my being and life. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

So. What is mental illness to you? Is it sickness? Is it something that the person can control?

Just because nothing physically shows up in a brain scan, doesn’t mean it’s not there. To me.

I asked this person what they would do if I had cancer. To which they answered. “Help you heal, help you get better”. So why is my being sick with mental illness so different? I have a hard time understanding how one is any different than the other.

If you care, you love and make sure that person is well, no matter what the illness is.

❀

Session Two.

Had a really good weekend. Went out dancing. Had only one drink. (quite proud of myself) Had a minor anxiety attack. Sometimes I just feel like everyone in the place is watching me and judging. Got over it though. Just stepped out of the situation for a few minutes.

Session two was today. We began with finding the safe place again. And focusing on breathing. Then I was instructed to remember some recent situations that bothered me and to figure out where those feelings went in my physical body. I discovered that I felt it in the following ways:

Eyes squint off and on

Hands sort of clench

Teeth clench

Toes curl

I get vibrations or trembles through my body

My stomach gets in knots

 

When we inspected a more troubling recent memory, my whole right side of my back and my right arm tensed up, hurt and then went numb.

What I then did is focus my breathing on those areas as they come up. Not trying to change them, but listening to my body and breathing through it.

She said that my body is telling me something and that when we block our body’s reaction to trauma it gets stuck. So letting my body go through those things in a safe environment is key.

I feel a little lighter today. πŸ™‚

Bless.

Another dream.

So after my good session on Thursday night I went to bed and again experienced another fear in my dreams. I am still thinking that this is a good thing that they are coming up in my dreams so that I can deal with them in safe places.

This one involved finding pictures of some girl, half naked on my boyfriend`s phone. Who doesn`t really matter as it`s a fear that grips me deep inside and has through most of my relationships, even though there isn`t a reason to have that fear AT ALL.

This one threw me for a loop though. I woke up quite distressed. I tried to quiet my thoughts and went back to sleep. Throughout work during the day I was ok.

After work I went through the meditation and breathing practices that my therapist taught me, and I actually meditated myself to sleep! hah I thought that was pretty neat. And my body likely needed the healing. πŸ™‚

Later that night a stressful situation came up in conversation so I took myself out of the room for a moment and focused on my breathing and safe place. It worked somewhat, but I know that it`s something I`m going to have to really commit to. And that`s ok. πŸ™‚

Going to spend the rest of my day cozy and warm inside dreaming about summer and practicing what I`ve learned. πŸ™‚

Session One.

We began the first of many sessions by doing some guided visions. I was asked to focus on my breathing, and watch it, hear it. Then to imagine a couple different “safe” places. Then to combine the safe scenarios into one super safe place.

For the first time in months I was able to focus and RELAX. It feels amazing.

My homework is to continuing going to this place in meditation every day until my next appointment. And if a stressful situation comes up, I am supposed to see if I can catch a glimpse of that place. If not, bring the situation into my thoughts when I’m in that safe place, and deal with it there.

I know this is something I’m going to have to work at, and hard. But I’m committed.

On another note…

D and I. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. We’ve been staying mostly apart. I’ve been wishing so badly that he was here, but after my session today I think I am seeing a bit clearer. We both must be in a healthy safe loving place in order for things to work. And he has his own work to do. So I am ok with being apart. I have to trust that love has it’s way of working things out. And it will be ok. πŸ™‚

Mom.

Oh where do I start?

She was my biggest opposition my whole life. I fought and fought with her. My dad left, her fault. Sad, her fault. I put her through so much.

I try to live with no regrets and to always learn, but this is one of my biggest regrets ever.

4 ish years ago, my mom was diagnosed with ALS otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. She has progressed very slowly and for that I am thankful.

I’ve learned how very short life is, and how much I truly love and adore her. She’s so proud of the steps I am taking now, and makes sure to tell me she so.

Today there was a small miracle. And you don’t get those often or good news often with this disease. Her breathing capacity has been going down and down for months, but today at her most recent check Β IT WENT UP BY 7%! I love her so much. My heart smiles for her today.

She is part of the reason I’m learning to heal myself. I can’t deal with the pain of what is going on if I can’t deal with what’s going on with me. The journey continues….<3