The single hardest thing I walk through in my life is my lost memories.
My brain locked away everything before I was raped at 7.
I spent the better part of the last 2 years trying EMDR and hypnotherapy to try to access those memories. I was unable to be hypnotized, and the EMDR only got bits and pieces at a time.
I am now, after having hypnotherapy not work, going back into EMDR.
I am growing frustrated at wanting this gone and done, SO BADLY, and feeling as though this process is taking longer than I want.
My patience is wearing.
My want for a new life, is steering me through waters that maybe I’m not ready to dive into.
I understand I write the story. That the law of attraction is at play. But I don’t know how to change a story I DO NOT have access to. I can’t just open my mind and say OK, today we tackle abandonment. Tomorrow, the rape.
I seriously don’t know what to do when it seems my conscious and unconscious are at odds with what they want.
All I can do is keep trying to gently open up. To continue to grow. To learn.
Today, I need a lot of love. I’m looking deep within. Shining a light. Time to clean up house.