These last couple weeks, heck even the last couple months I have been helping friends through the potential losses of their parents. One of my closest friend’s parent died this past week.
At the same time, I’ve had several friends have babies this past couple weeks.
It kind of reminded me of the circle of life, how each death becomes a rebirth. How when we leave this dimension of existence, we just pass through a veil to the other spiritual realm. And birth is coming back from that realm to live and learn more.
When I lost my mom I had 4 years to prepare to lose her. With ALS, you know that they will eventually die. I always said it was worse than having a cancer diagnosis. At least you can try chemo, radiation or alternative treatments with cancer. It used to make me really angry, too. But when the day came that I had to say goodbye, and I watched her die in front of me, I still collapsed to the floor.
Of course we will be sad when we lose that physical connection to our loved one. But that really just is not the end. I’ve had so many experiences that have shown me that my mom is still around. I may not be able to pick up the phone and call her like I want to. But I still “talk” to her, albeit in a different way.
I know, that learning to pick my collapsed self up off the floor came with a great understanding of the cycle of life. An understanding I try to impart to those willing to listen. I can’t make someone believe me, but I can offer my help if needed.
That, has become part of my journey.
A part, I am very honored to give.
I am not afraid of my dark. I dived deep into the underbelly of my psyche and came out victorious. Over and over and over again. Each time I ascended from the darkness I was transformed. And by sharing that journey I help others to move forward in their path. Whoa…I just had such a revelation today. Life, you are ammmmmazing! ❤
My birthday was New Years Eve, and for the first time this year, I did not drink, I did not get high, and I had a wonderful night in with the man I love.
I had my “birthday party” on the 28th of December, and that was the last night I will hopefully ever pick up a drink or drugs again.
I had decided I was going to not drink while I was doing my Wu Tao teacher training, and that would take me about 5-6 months to do. I figured it was a good way to give my body a break, and try to quit smoking.
What came just this last week, was the realization that I don’t ever want to pick up a drink again.
When I drank, I wanted to do drugs. I’d do drugs til the next morning, fully knowing that I was hating myself for doing so. I was self medicating.
When I drank, I became an angry drunk. One too many nights full of fighting, throwing drinks, and even punching people.
When I drank, I hated myself.
When I drank, I smoked too much.
When I drank, I slipped farther away from my path.
When I drank, I was not true to me.
So, on December 28, 2013, I had my last drink. I haven’t looked back. The drinking was never really something that pulled me in or that I felt I HAD to do, it just led to all sorts of other things I didn’t need.
Today, I am 25 days sober and clean.
Today, I am 5 days quit smoking.
Today, I look forward with bright eyes towards a very rewarding future helping to heal others.
I am stoked. ❤
Many of my friends have not really understood where I’m coming from. But, as I have healed my past and inner self, I have realized all the damage I had been doing to myself over the years just trying to cope. I don’t need to “cope” anymore. I freed myself. It is with knowing that, that I may walk forward without the need to be numbed or taken by anything. My friends will catch up when they realize this is really what is best for me. I’m not weird, I have just chosen to really live the best healthy life I can for myself.
As I began to look within, and whispered to my inner child that I loved her, I began to see with crystal eyes, a vision of the future, where we were again one, and free to both run and dance with the magic of life.
So what am I going to do now that I am free?
Well, I am doing teacher training for a type of dance based in chinese medicine called Wu Tao.
I am moving back to the beautiful mountains of British Columbia, Canada.
I am leaving my current company as co-owner and dancer.
I am ready for what the future holds, and a beautiful life back in my favorite place in Canada.
Onwards and upwards!
Yesterday was my last EMDR appointment…hopefully forever!
We tried to access the memory and literally nothing was coming up. No body sensations, no words, no feelings. Just fully processed through.
I AM FREE!
I can’t believe what an incredible transformation my life has gone through over the last two years, in the last 6 months, in the last 6 weeks.
Life really does fall into place once you set free all the blocks you need to.
The number that started this journey, almost 2 years ago.
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about 444, and felt compelled to look it up again.
Seeing 444 can mean you are entering the 4th dimension. The “symptoms” of that totally make sense for all the things I began to experience in 2012.
What is even more interesting is what else it said. That 444 means your angels/spirit guides are very near and trying to help you, and you may even HEAR them say something to you.
I just figured out where that voice came from at 4:44 am that morning….holy crap…
Bah. I write this after two nights of the most restless sleep I have ever had in my life. I have never had trouble with sleep at all.
That EMDR session on Thursday seems to have stirred up some stuff. First night, I slept 2 hours, then 2.5, then 2.
Last night, 4, 2, up for over 2 hours, then 2.
In addition to this, I’ve been bursting out crying randomly.
I know this is part of the process but I feel like my mind and body are being put through the wringer right now. Here’s hoping it slows down tonight some more.
When I was younger, I began writing my life story. From a very young age I felt my journey was to be something I could share and help others with. Boy was I wildly off at that point. So many more things have happened after the last two years.
Through unimaginable pain and losing no less than 7 people in 2012, to spontaneously setting off a spiritual awakening through those deaths, to becoming someone other people come to for advice, to FINALLY unlocking my amnesia and freeing myself of C-PTSD..what a ride it’s been.
So now it’s got me thinking again, should I document this in great detail. Should I start that book again?
And also, people have been coming to me a lot with sick parents, asking me how I seemed to have floated through the passing of my mom…and believe me, the deaths taught me A LOT about how to deal. Maybe I can start by writing about that.