Post Illness and the Struggle

It’s still amazing to me to look back to only a few months ago to how sick I was, bedridden, entire systems of my body going haywire, in excruciating pain, and losing faith. 

Although I have healed, the mental scars have remained. I have been SO angry at what happened, at what it stole from me. At not bouncing right back. At ongoing pain and stiffness in my leg. At the doctors who ignored my cries. At my inability to see clearly through it all. 

A couple days ago, I met a couple while working (serving) and they said some pretty profound things to me out of absolutely nowhere. I believe in divine intervention. It’s like what they had to tell me, affirming how strong I really was, and how I was on the right path, was meant to happen. 

Since then, I feel as though the fog has lifted from me. That anger that hung over my heart and head for the past 7.5 months had been given just the slight chance to release. 

Then the tears. Oh the tears. 

It’s taken a long time to get my life back on track and I am finally looking forward with bright eyes again. I know there’s still a bunch of work to be done. I think getting sick retraumatized me, and having Complex PTSD I need to get back into therapy and sort through it. 

Through this all, my boyfriend has been such a rock for me. Taking care of me when I felt as though I was dying, or was in so much pain I was telling him just to kill me. I wasn’t serious, but I was so frustrated. I don’t know how I could have gotten through this without him. 

I’ve had a lot of friends who just haven’t understood my up and down moods since this happened. I’m not sure if it’s even a by product of the drug reaction, or whether it’s the emotional leftovers. 

I hope so much that I continue to get better both physically and emotionally. 

But for now, I know that tears a good release. Much needed. ❤

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