Monthly Archives: November 2014

Calling someone crazy…

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If you don’t understand then you should probably try.

I didn’t choose to have a mental illness.  Experiences and bad people in this world took my usual cheerful self away from me. It’s taken over 20 years to peel back the painful and deep layers of my psyche.
Most days I feel as though I have come over the hill. That I’ve climbed far enough out of the depths to be considered “well”. That I don’t need to label myself with complex post traumatic stress disorder anymore.

But people in my life continue to do so from time to time. I can’t change opinions.  But I wish that instead of labeling and putting stigma on mental illness that people would understand that we are all just human. Maybe just a little broken.

The steps I have had to walk each and every day since a child have been arduous and excruciating. Don’t label me when you don’t know my path.

I think, it’s a damn miracle that some of us even get out of it. I certainly could have stayed where I was…drowning in pain.

I had grown accustomed to anger. I enjoyed it even. It felt safe. And warm. Natural. That’s because a long time ago things of innocence were stolen from me. Things I can’t ever replace but have learned to heal.

Even these days I would say that I struggle with anger. Of how to express it properly. But also fear of being labeled “crazy” for speaking my mind and getting upset for a damn good reason. 

I don’t know that I’m fully where I need to be yet.

But.

Every day. I wake up and I TRY.  I keep my mind focused on moving through my pain and darkness and transmuting it.

I try to keep myself balanced and whole.

Some days I struggle.  Some days I am not proud of how I handle situations.

But I get back up.

And I try.

So if you don’t understand. 

Ask.

Don’t label.

You may learn something.

They Don’t Understand

As someone who has been down that road this year and fighting my way out all while trying to educate my friends and family on floxing I feel this post..big time.

Floxie Hope

forgiveness

It may be impossible for anyone who has not experienced fluoroquinolone toxicity to understand what it’s like.

It’s difficult for the person who is going through fluoroquinolone toxicity to explain that EVERYTHING is going wrong; and it is even more difficult for those around them to understand.

It’s beyond most people’s comprehension that a commonly prescribed antibiotic, maybe one that they themselves have taken, can cause debilitating pain, exhaustion, loss of mental capacity, inability to move, etc. in their formerly healthy loved one.  Most people think that antibiotics are benign, so they are unable to understand that an antibiotic destroyed the health of their spouse, friend, child, parent, etc.  They think, “it must be something else,” or “the drug should be out of your system by now,” or, simply, “what are you talking about?!” when you tell them that all of your health problems can be traced back to the…

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Goodbye Facebook!

I am in the process of deleting my Facebook profile I’ve had for nearly 8 years. Did you know you can download a zip file of all of your stuff on Facebook? Detailed instructions at this link:

http://www.digitaltrends.com/social-media/want-to-know-what-data-facebook-has-on-you-a-primer-on-what-you-get-and-how-to-get-it/

Why am I deleting Facebook and what do I hope to get out of it?

For one there’s so many other things that we could be doing when we are aimlessly surfing Facebook.  Like striking up a conversation with a person on the street or with our own coworkers and friends and family.  I personally prefer hearing someone’s voice and talking either face to face or in person or via Skype.

I feel as though in the search for closeness we have made ourselves even more distant. For example and I know you do this too (but you don’t have to admit it)..we go to a person’s page to find out what they are up to. But don’t we all tweak what we put on social media just a little bit?  So we don’t get a whole truthful viewing unless we do talk to them but that doesn’t always happen.

The algorithms are also not user friendly. Pictures of my face would get more attention than some really important topics I was trying to talk about. That one irritated me most of all. I am not my face. I am a human with things to say and I didn’t want to be only taken for face value. That’s why I like this blog.  Nobody is obligated to read it.

Last but certainly not least is that we so willingly give up so much personal information and for what? So Facebook can make more money by selling our data? No thanks.

Really it’s just lost its lustre for me. I deactivated my account for a month and I only logged in once to get a phone number for someone in that time. Within a day of going back on completely I realized I was done with the superficial conversations. I’ve just grown tired of it. It all seems very fake to me these days.

So I’m saying so long, sayonara,  bye bye Facebook ! It’s been a nice run. But it’s time to move on.

Almost 3 years ago..

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I created this blog with the intention of working through my mental health issues. I went back and read the first couple posts on here and wow have I come a long way since then.

It’s been a successful few years. I started out not even having a diagnosis and questioning whether I had borderline personality disorder or if I was just plain crazy. I learned about what I really had and that was complex PTSD.  I finally found answers and I worked through my issues.

I used this blog as a private outlet because I was afraid of showing my truth to my friends. But as I grew and so did the blog, I began to talk about mental illness openly and my experiences.

Through healing my past and dealing with a lot of death in 2012 I also started on a spiritual journey which has been the main focus of my blog from now on.

I have decided to delete msy Facebook Account.  Something I’ve had for over 7 years. I want to focus more on writing. And learning about myself and the world around me. I hope I can keep developing this blog as I grow.

I hope this blog serves as a story of hope for those who really struggling with mental illness, death, illness and despair.

I have learned to first crawl on the damp ground towards the light. Then I learned to walk. Then run. And now I dance.

Feeling free. 🙂

Loneliness.

I am very much an introvert. But I have many traits that are extroverted as well. I wouldn’t have been able to spend the better part of the last 10 years performing on stage if I wasn’t.

But I struggle with loneliness as well.

A lot of things have happened in regards to spirituality that have left permanent marks on who I am and how I see the world.

I know truths that other people can’t or won’t see. I know deep in my heart it’s a tremendous gift I’ve been given.

But it also isolates me. There are very few people in my life who understand.

I’ve grown tired of small talk and things that don’t inspire my heart and soul. In turn, I’ve distanced myself from social media.

But I so desperately need to have a group of like minded individuals to keep in touch with that may help inspire each other and grow spiritually together. I need teachers to guide me. I often have a lot of questions about strange things that happen to me. Until a few years ago I didn’t have the ability to see through the “veil” and now I have glimpses of it all the time.

Part of the issue is that I’ve moved away from my hometown and while I feel very certain that where I am geographically is where I should be. ..it’s also taken me farther away from the people I’ve met who just “get it”.

How do you find those people you are meant to meet and grow with?

Saturn Returns.

So I’ve been doing a ton of research on “saturn returns” lately as shortly after my 29th birthday in December my own Saturn Return goes from February to November 2015.

As I understand it, it is a time of enormous change and growth. Where the parts of you that aren’t working are pushed to the forefront and you have no choice but the change. Some people tell stories of it and they had a very rough time because they hadn’t prepared for what needed to change.

I have already been going through enormous changes over the last 3 years. Or so I believe I guess. Haha.

I’m fairly confused when I read Saturn Return stories online because I feel like a lot of what is supposed to happen is stuff I’ve already been doing for a long while.

Does anyone out there have any insight?

Dreams.

I woke up on Halloween morning to a dream that made me cry. But although it did that I believe it was a message from my mom who passed away over 2 years ago. It isn’t the first time I’ve had dreams of her and certainly won’t be the last.

In my dream I was at a house for a family dinner although the people in the house weren’t my actual family or anyone I know. But nevertheless, I was family to them in the dream. When I turned the corner to the dining room there were two tables of people and at the smaller table towards the kitchen sat my uncle, my grandma and my grandpa all on my mom’s side of the family. My grandpa is also deceased. In the dream I immediately went to say hi and that I missed my grandma.

*backstory: I’ve had a falling out with my mom’s family since she passed away over the terms of her death not being carried out meaning I did not receive personal items..sentimental things of hers. Her family took it as  great offense and thought I was just after money and have since shunned both my brother and I from all contact and family gatherings. *

Anyways. In the dream after saying I missed my grandma to her, she responded with “but we are always here for you”. I gave her a big hug and when I let go…I was holding my mom.

I think it was my mom’s way of telling me to contact my grandma. Interesting.  Then on Saturday night I woke up at 3 in the morning with the sudden urge to search my family history. Sometimes these weird things happen to me haha.

So I got up and started doing Internet searches on my phone to see what I could find out. I was able to find info on all my grandparents last names (and maiden names) except…for my mom’s mom. Again…something I’d have to solve by contacting her. Sign # 2. Weird.

Well I am of the belief that Halloween is a special time that the veil thins between worlds.  I have always consistently had things happen on almost every one my entire life. This year was no exception. What is interesting is that it became a theme over the next couple days with sign #2.

I need to call my grandma. But I am scared because I don’t know if she will talk to me. But I really do miss her.  😦

I suppose all I can do is try.