Well its been a while. I’ve been busy..you know, growing a human. I am 26 weeks tomorrow and getting excited and also nervous.
I have been reflecting over the last year and a half of my life and how much things have changed.
Just over a year ago…I was coming out of what I would consider nearly dying. I was learning to walk again after 3.5 months bedridden.
Everything I thought I knew about who I was…had been literally ripped apart from my soul. I was in a very dark place. Scared and alone.
But somehow, I made what I would consider a miraculous recovery. And in going through the processes I was completely transformed. A butterfly coming out of her cocoon.
I only hope that I can impart this zest for life and wisdom to my soon to be daughter.
I have been toying with the idea of writing my experiences in a formal manner. Perhaps a book. But I don’t want to just write about what happened and the dangers of Fluoroquinolones. I want to write about what an incredibly life changing shift this was. It was and always will be a spiritual awakening experience for me. I am not angry about it. I am at peace with what happened to me because I see that it needed to happen. It’s all part of a greater plan I’m not privy to lol.
I want to leave a legacy that helps others. That in itself has been the thing has brought me the most joy out of the whole experience. It makes my heart ache to hear about people who have been damaged, but I am always willing to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. Even if that shoulder is a virtual one. I don’t want anyone to feel alone. You are not alone in this.
It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been very very busy working a lot.
Pregnancy is going well, I will be 17 weeks tomorrow and we find out the gender in two weeks! I am so hoping for a girl. 🙂
Part of me feels as though I have been waiting for this baby for a long time. When I was 17 I got pregnant. I chose to have an abortion at that time. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Oddly, that was the year of the sheep, and so is this year. Another strange similarity is that the man I was seeing back then and the one I am seeing now are both Aries. As is my mom, who passed away. When I had the abortion she found out after I had already done it….she told me she wished I hadn’t. That she would have helped me.
Now I feel as though this baby has been a long time coming, and will have a connection to my mom in spirit.
I have had a girl’s name picked out since back then, 12 years ago as well.
But part of me thinks I hope it’s a girl because I want to have the mother-daughter connection, and in some ways it will bring me closer to my own mom.
Some days I just get overwhelmed with sadness that’s she not here to experience this life changing event with me. I have to remind myself that she is always around, but, it’s just not the same. I long to talk to her, to see her, to feel her.
Sometimes I get scared too. Like what if I don’t know how to do something and I can’t call her? Who will I call when the baby takes their first steps? Why shouldn’t she be the first call?
I miss her. My heart aches for my mom. I wish I could just curl up in her arms again. 😦
I posted a little while ago a post entitled “Mommy Wars” about women who are either pregnant or have children who like to get in huge heated debates with each other over things like vaccination etc.
I’ve chosen to have a midwife assisted birth, and I am 90% sold on a home birth, close to the hospital if I need a transfer. Obviously, this is my first child and I don’t know how labor and delivery will go for me.
When discussing my choice on a message board I was essentially attacked by someone claiming to be a medical doctor (ER doc) about my choice and how stupid it was.
I certainly don’t feel the same.
There’s another forum on the same website where I wanted to ask a question about delayed vaccination schedules in Canada…but low and behold, that same woman is on there yelling at people about vaccination too.
It’s really frustrating to feel like the place I am going to ask questions and seek advice as a first time mom…is turning into a place I’m afraid to express my feelings on certain topics.
Because of how sick I was last year in large part due to the pharmaceutical industry and doctors….I am very wary about things. But this view has seen me being attacked online.
I don’t know where to turn for real, unbiased advice.
Ok. I am not even a mom yet. But I’m catching wind of some of these very heated arguments between moms and moms to be. Breastfeeding vs. Formula. Circumcise vs. not. Vaccinate vs. non vaccination. etc etc
I have two reasons this concerns me.
One, my views have changed a lot. I used to trust my doctor. I used to think they knew everything and run to them when things went wrong. I don’t do that anymore. It’s been almost a year since I had a severe adverse reaction to an antibiotic. I have very very STRONG views on medications and vaccines, and things that just don’t belong in a body. It’s not just my opinion, it’s what I’ve seen happen. I have allergies to several different things. I had severe reactions and allergies to several antibiotics. My brother had seizures from his childhood vaccines. To be fair, it seems that my genes lean towards being sensitive to these things. I plan on delaying vaccination in my kids. Not long, but long enough that if they do have a reaction it’s not going to be in a tiny 2 month old body. This is my choice. For many reasons.
Two, because of these views am I going to be shunned by other moms? I truly want was is best for my child and given my history, perhaps shielding them from harm is the best way I can do that.
Why can’t we all get along?
I am part of a online pregnancy message board. These conversations come up. Sometimes very young girls come onto the boards to ask about abortion and people bring their “pro life” views into things, and try to push their religion onto people.
News flash! Don’t just assume that everyone follows your religion….
Hey, I may be hormonal but I can see that competing with each other is not the way to be.
I do what I know is right for me, and you do what is right for you.
I respect that.
Don’t judge and push your views on me.
I have to say : I don’t feel spiritually connected to this pregnancy yet. I am more intuitive, and have been having much more dreams.
But I think the fact that I feel pretty normal is keeping me from feeling connected yet. Maybe once I have a bump growing it will seem more real.
I’m 9 weeks and 3 days so it’s still early.
A lot of my mind has been on the actual birthing process. I’ve chosen to have a midwife and haven’t decided yet between a hospital or home/water birth. I actually feel as though a home/water birth would be a much more in tune environment for me. But I also worry if something goes wrong.
I am also afraid of the pain. I’m planning on taking hypnobirthing, so I hope this will help me. I’m not that great dealing with pain.
But I also so want to trust that this is a journey that many women have made before me, and I know that I can make too.
It’s a big life transition and I’m still in the Ok…is this real? phase lol
I’m sure it’s about to get really real anytime though! 🙂
As I sit here and reflect on this year I wonder how much this year has helped me grow into a woman. I left behind a lot of things.
Illness plagued this year. Considering I spent approximately 5 months early this year bedridden and yet I am healthy today is a feat like no other. A miracle if you will. Floxing changed everything about how I interact with the world. What substances I will put in my home and in my body. Chemicals are everywhere and I’m keeping my environment as natural as possible.
Being sick also led to an even greater understanding of how very short life is. We only get one chance at life…well this one at least…so it’s pertinent to remember this and keep our dreams big and our hearts open.
My birthday is New Years Eve and I will be 29 this year. I have one last year of my 20’s and this is bringing about change as well.
My Saturn Return also falls over the next year. I’ve written several posts wondering about what my Saturn Return might mean.
Well, I do know one thing I will be doing…
My big news..
I am expecting my first child next year!
BIG changes on the way it seems. 🙂
And such a wonderful gift after struggling through this year.
I am excited and ecstatic!
So about two weeks ago I requested to have my Facebook permanently deleted.
Well, they don’t actually delete it for 14 days in which you have time to “change your mind”.
I didn’t change my mind.
In fact I completely forgot haha.
Good riddance! 😉
This is the first year since I created my blog 3 years ago that I have consistently blogged every single month.
I thought that was quite an accomplishment. I can only hope my journey laid out here is an inspiration to those that read it.
And oh my there’s readers from all over the globe checking it out! Hello and welcome 🙂
Sometimes I get really restless in life and make rash decisions that I regret.
But most times these decisions bring me to places and people and experiences that help me grow.
I’m getting restless again.
I’m in the in between place.
My old life gone almost completely.
Yet I miss it and some people from it.
But I know I can’t go back.
And I know where I want to go.
But getting sick slowed everything down.
Wait…I was supposed to learn patience.
Is this another test?
I just want my new life to begin.
I wiped the slate.