Category Archives: Spiritual Awakening

Missing my mom.

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been very very busy working a lot.

Pregnancy is going well, I will be 17 weeks tomorrow and we find out the gender in two weeks! I am so hoping for a girl. 🙂

Part of me feels as though I have been waiting for this baby for a long time. When I was 17 I got pregnant. I chose to have an abortion at that time. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Oddly, that was the year of the sheep, and so is this year. Another strange similarity is that the man I was seeing back  then and the one I am seeing now are both Aries. As is my mom, who passed away. When I had the abortion she found out after I had already done it….she told me she wished I hadn’t. That she would have helped me.

Now I feel as though this baby has been a long time coming, and will have a connection to my mom in spirit.

I have had a girl’s name picked out since back then, 12 years ago as well.

But part of me thinks I hope it’s a girl because I want to have the mother-daughter connection, and in some ways it will bring me closer to my own mom.

Some days I just get overwhelmed with sadness that’s she not here to experience this life changing event with me. I have to remind myself that she is always around, but, it’s just not the same. I long to talk to her, to see her, to feel her.

Sometimes I get scared too. Like what if I don’t know how to do something and I can’t call her? Who will I call when the baby takes their first steps? Why shouldn’t she be the first call?

I miss her. My heart aches for my mom. I wish I could just curl up in her arms again. 😦

New moon tomorrow!

I am so very drawn to the new moon. It always seems like such an exciting time. And this is no exception as we move into the sun sign of Sagittarius on the same day! I’m also anticipating when Saturn moves into Sag as this marks the beginning of what I believe shall be interesting times as its my Saturn Return. It does this on Christmas Eve and hey my birthday is exactly a week later! I’ll be 29 and holy moly the last year of my 20’s will be a big one I can feel it!

I even suspect the slowing down of my life due to illness and personal choices has wiped the slate clean for what new and exciting things shall come!

So,
Tomorrow I will use this new moon energy to map out my wishes for the future.

Excited!!! ^.^

This one is going to go weird…

So. Almost a year ago I had psychic reading done by a woman. I’d won this reading a metaphysical meet up of sorts.

I didn’t think too much of it but this woman was so bang on about so many things. One of the things that she touched on was that when I was painting it helped me channel messages from the other side.  So I took her advice and I continued to intuitively paint.

In January of this year ( so about a month after my reading) I finally cracked open my childhood amnesia and was able to heal my past using EMDR therapy.  I wrote about that in the blog. What was interesting is that the day I went to the appointment where my memories came back I had energy swirling around my third eye Chakra.  My mind was letting go and opening.  It was pretty wild. During that session I could feel my mom there with me as well. 

That was an incredibly huge day I’d been waiting 20 years for.

A few days later I had the urge to paint.
OK….not just like oh I wanted to paint. We are talking primal urge. Hands shaking like something needed to get out…NOW! 

I did as I had done before and smudged my apartment and lit incense and played calming music.

My hands were anything but calm.

What came out of this painting was an image of the dark goddess also known by many other names such as Hecate and Kali. 

At the time after just pushing through 20 years of mental illness I took this as a sign that she had helped me transmute my trauma/darkness and move forward.

I am willing to fully admit I was wrong and what I was up against was still to come.

Less than two weeks later I had fallen ill. So ill as I’d never been in my entire life. Bedridden. Excruciating pain.

You can read previous blog posts if you need a refresher on what happened. 

But. No. Hecate showed herself to me because it was time for some DEEP transition and change in life.

A dark night of the soul.

It pulled me so far deep into my psyche and grabbed out all my fears about my life and silly lies I’d told myself about who I am.

What’s also interesting to note is the fact that the illness I was struck down with isn’t something that people get better from.

What I have surmised from this is that my particular case of illness was for a reason. Once that reason had been healed…it stopped. Imagine that. Hah.

But seriously?  Did I actually predict my illness?

Must pay more attention to signs. 😉

Adulthood?

image

As I sit on the eve of my first Saturn Return I am catching myself wondering about what it means to have grown.  I look back on my childish behavior and life over the last ten years and wonder is this what it feels like to have finally grown up? 

Certainly it was chock full of growing pains and heartache. I have been put through the ringer the last few years and I wonder what Saturn has in store for me. I know there is more to come. 

But what has happened through this year is a great slow down.  Partially because of my illness and partially because I made a conscious choice to stop living a childish existence. 

I left behind a life I could still be living.  A very public spotlight.  Performing in front of thousands of people in hundreds of shows a year. But there was a dark side to it as well. It was an ego driven thing.  Sure.  I love dance. But I loved being loved.  And have spent the majority of my life looking for it in all the wrong places.  I didn’t love myself.  I loved the image I projected. But that image no longer exists.  Getting sick took care of that. 

And then I slowly undid the doings of my life as I deleted social media profiles and cut the unnecessary people out of my life.  The people who only knew the face I put on. 

What I’m really stuck on is where I fit into the world now. 

I long to find my tribe.

I have experienced so many strange unusual spiritual paranormal things over the last 3 years that I have a hard time connecting with lots of people.

What a strange place to be.  Standing at the precipice of adulthood. No longer fitting in the old child like ways.  But still not quite there. 

Saturn.  I think I’m ready for you. 😉

And edit:

The universe just showed this video to me :
The Innovation of Loneliness: http://youtu.be/c6Bkr_udado

Weird

Dreams.

I woke up on Halloween morning to a dream that made me cry. But although it did that I believe it was a message from my mom who passed away over 2 years ago. It isn’t the first time I’ve had dreams of her and certainly won’t be the last.

In my dream I was at a house for a family dinner although the people in the house weren’t my actual family or anyone I know. But nevertheless, I was family to them in the dream. When I turned the corner to the dining room there were two tables of people and at the smaller table towards the kitchen sat my uncle, my grandma and my grandpa all on my mom’s side of the family. My grandpa is also deceased. In the dream I immediately went to say hi and that I missed my grandma.

*backstory: I’ve had a falling out with my mom’s family since she passed away over the terms of her death not being carried out meaning I did not receive personal items..sentimental things of hers. Her family took it as  great offense and thought I was just after money and have since shunned both my brother and I from all contact and family gatherings. *

Anyways. In the dream after saying I missed my grandma to her, she responded with “but we are always here for you”. I gave her a big hug and when I let go…I was holding my mom.

I think it was my mom’s way of telling me to contact my grandma. Interesting.  Then on Saturday night I woke up at 3 in the morning with the sudden urge to search my family history. Sometimes these weird things happen to me haha.

So I got up and started doing Internet searches on my phone to see what I could find out. I was able to find info on all my grandparents last names (and maiden names) except…for my mom’s mom. Again…something I’d have to solve by contacting her. Sign # 2. Weird.

Well I am of the belief that Halloween is a special time that the veil thins between worlds.  I have always consistently had things happen on almost every one my entire life. This year was no exception. What is interesting is that it became a theme over the next couple days with sign #2.

I need to call my grandma. But I am scared because I don’t know if she will talk to me. But I really do miss her.  😦

I suppose all I can do is try.

The spiritual meaning of illness and injury.

Exactly 106 days ago I was knocked down by a severe adverse reaction to an antibiotic I was given. It attacked my collagen in my leg causing degeneration in my tendons, ligaments and fascia, and the WORST pain I’d ever felt in my entire life. The type that makes you literally rip out your hair and want to die. Then it hit my central nervous system and gave me the worst insomnia, not sleeping for days. Then tremors, which felt like I had parkinsons’. Then nerve pains, electrical shocks through my body.

I read all over the internet about people getting this and being gravely ill for a year, or years. I then developed panic attacks and anxiety. I was the sickest I’d ever been in my entire life. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get better and if not for a very long time.

But the second I decided to change my views and let my body rest and heal as it needed to, I did start to get better.

As of 99 days into it, so a week ago today, I am able to walk. I am not dancing yet, but I imagine I will be soon. ALL of my symptoms have completely disappeared. The only thing remaining is a slightly shortened achilles tendon, which is being worked on in physio and I know I will make a full recovery.

Now, in a spiritual sense, what does this all mean?

I believe I was being tested. That it was a dark night of the soul. That I needed to go through this to really fight for what I wanted in my life. To fight for life itself.

A leg injury can mean you are afraid to move forward. And while I didn’t want to readily admit I was afraid of leaving all I knew behind and embarking on a new journey and new career, of course I actually was.

But this left me wanting for it, MORE.

It taught me the ever so hard to learn PATIENCE. I had to let my body slowly heal, and my mind heal along with it, as I lay in bed nearly 24-7 for over 3 months.

I’m stubborn. Only I could have this sort of experience to make me learn lol.

But I’m glad for it. I’m thankful for it.

I needed it.

So next you’re experiencing a roadblock of some kind…ask yourself…Do I need this lesson?

 

Journey to the Dark Goddess

Two and a half months ago before I got sick, I was experimenting with intuitive painting. I had been doing this recently, and a psychic session revealed it was something that I should continue doing as it helped me tap in. Part of my spiritual awakening has been some fairly interesting encounters with psychic phenomenon, and rather than shy away from it as I may have done in the past, I delved deeper into it. 

Two weeks before i became sick, I had a day where I needed to paint SO badly my hands were shaking, something needed to get out. I cleared my space with sage and lit candles and set off to work. What came of that painting was what I realized was the dark goddess and a single eye. At the time, I had just finished my EMDR therapy  to unlock my post traumatic amnesia. I thought the painting was a reference to the dark goddess’ ability to help transform the shadow self, and felt as though I had just done that. 

Boy was I wrong. 

I have now come to a greater understanding of what this illness has meant. It was meant to bring me to the depths of my greatest fears and face them head on. The fear of not being able to dance would be the most devastating thing in the world to me. So here, I had to face it head on because I was unable to dance. 

I did not ask or invoke this. It came to me. 

The pain I endured is something that will remind me of this. A reminder again, of how precious life and vitality is. I understand that each time I have journeyed with the dark goddess I have experienced many painful times in my life, but I have come out of it a much better person having transformed my shadow self a little more. 

As soon as I realized what this illness was, and surrendered to it…I mean I literally said I let go of all outcomes in this situation…I relinquished control…I was free…

I have had almost a complete remission in my symptoms since a few days ago. 

Just like that. Like I had finally learned the lesson this was meant to bring. And I had transformed. 

Like a pheonix rising, like the warrior goddess I am, I ROSE. 

And I rise, up and up and up. 

BAM! It feels good. 

Don’t be afraid of your dark. Embrace it, transform it. Love it. 

Lessons.

Where is the answer when you lose your place, 
Caught in never never land,
Abadoned to your own devices, 
Blinded by your own pain.

What if you can’t keep climbing?
What if the stumble is part of the dance,
A sign of what you left untouched, 
And unhealed. 

A piece of the puzzle that wasn’t put in. 
A part of the journey that you were too blind to see before. 

And the moon illuminated it, 
ever so painful and hard to learn. 

What must one do with that knowledge now?
GROW

 

 

It’s been almost 7 weeks since this health ordeal began and through it, I’ve had many ups and downs. I realized that my mental health had taken a beating once again. Have I fallen deep into the path of C-PTSD again? No. But I did realize I have anxiety issues that were likely concurrent with the C-PTSD, and now I have a chance to deal with them. Maybe they were masked by other issues, and I’m just peeling away layers to get to the real me. 

As I’ve been going through this I remembered hearing about people who went through spiritual awakenings and thought they have conquered the last battle, only to be thrown into another out of nowhere to help them learn and heal some more. I believe that this is what is happening to me. Like the Universe is nu uh…you’re not done yet, dig DEEP. DEEPER. Keep going…

So now I dig some more. I’ve always been a “worrier”, someone who doesn’t like to be out of the comfort zone unless I”m doing it purposely. But as a child I remember being painfully shy, awkward socially. I’ve learned to get over it for the most part, but the anxiety remained. 

Now, with the health issues I’ve been having, anxiety has surged to the surface once again. Seemingly out of nowhere. Yes I have lots of be concerned about because this is a scary thing I’m going through. But the constant tremors and panic attacks that have taken over my existence the last couple weeks is something I’ve never experienced. 

Perhaps, I needed to be pushed through a situation that brought this to the surface and illuminated it so I could once again delve deep inside and fix it. I feel that’s what is happening right now. 

And I won’t get better until I get a handle on this. Until I heal it, and grow from it.