Tag Archives: c-ptsd

Calling someone crazy…

image

If you don’t understand then you should probably try.

I didn’t choose to have a mental illness.  Experiences and bad people in this world took my usual cheerful self away from me. It’s taken over 20 years to peel back the painful and deep layers of my psyche.
Most days I feel as though I have come over the hill. That I’ve climbed far enough out of the depths to be considered “well”. That I don’t need to label myself with complex post traumatic stress disorder anymore.

But people in my life continue to do so from time to time. I can’t change opinions.  But I wish that instead of labeling and putting stigma on mental illness that people would understand that we are all just human. Maybe just a little broken.

The steps I have had to walk each and every day since a child have been arduous and excruciating. Don’t label me when you don’t know my path.

I think, it’s a damn miracle that some of us even get out of it. I certainly could have stayed where I was…drowning in pain.

I had grown accustomed to anger. I enjoyed it even. It felt safe. And warm. Natural. That’s because a long time ago things of innocence were stolen from me. Things I can’t ever replace but have learned to heal.

Even these days I would say that I struggle with anger. Of how to express it properly. But also fear of being labeled “crazy” for speaking my mind and getting upset for a damn good reason. 

I don’t know that I’m fully where I need to be yet.

But.

Every day. I wake up and I TRY.  I keep my mind focused on moving through my pain and darkness and transmuting it.

I try to keep myself balanced and whole.

Some days I struggle.  Some days I am not proud of how I handle situations.

But I get back up.

And I try.

So if you don’t understand. 

Ask.

Don’t label.

You may learn something.

Lessons.

Where is the answer when you lose your place, 
Caught in never never land,
Abadoned to your own devices, 
Blinded by your own pain.

What if you can’t keep climbing?
What if the stumble is part of the dance,
A sign of what you left untouched, 
And unhealed. 

A piece of the puzzle that wasn’t put in. 
A part of the journey that you were too blind to see before. 

And the moon illuminated it, 
ever so painful and hard to learn. 

What must one do with that knowledge now?
GROW

 

 

It’s been almost 7 weeks since this health ordeal began and through it, I’ve had many ups and downs. I realized that my mental health had taken a beating once again. Have I fallen deep into the path of C-PTSD again? No. But I did realize I have anxiety issues that were likely concurrent with the C-PTSD, and now I have a chance to deal with them. Maybe they were masked by other issues, and I’m just peeling away layers to get to the real me. 

As I’ve been going through this I remembered hearing about people who went through spiritual awakenings and thought they have conquered the last battle, only to be thrown into another out of nowhere to help them learn and heal some more. I believe that this is what is happening to me. Like the Universe is nu uh…you’re not done yet, dig DEEP. DEEPER. Keep going…

So now I dig some more. I’ve always been a “worrier”, someone who doesn’t like to be out of the comfort zone unless I”m doing it purposely. But as a child I remember being painfully shy, awkward socially. I’ve learned to get over it for the most part, but the anxiety remained. 

Now, with the health issues I’ve been having, anxiety has surged to the surface once again. Seemingly out of nowhere. Yes I have lots of be concerned about because this is a scary thing I’m going through. But the constant tremors and panic attacks that have taken over my existence the last couple weeks is something I’ve never experienced. 

Perhaps, I needed to be pushed through a situation that brought this to the surface and illuminated it so I could once again delve deep inside and fix it. I feel that’s what is happening right now. 

And I won’t get better until I get a handle on this. Until I heal it, and grow from it. 

 

Sleep Disturbed.

Bah. I write this after two nights of the most restless sleep I have ever had in my life. I have never had trouble with sleep at all.

That EMDR session on Thursday seems to have stirred up some stuff. First night, I slept 2 hours, then 2.5, then 2. 

Last night, 4, 2, up for over 2 hours, then 2. 

In addition to this, I’ve been bursting out crying randomly. 

I know this is part of the process but I feel like my mind and body are being put through the wringer right now. Here’s hoping it slows down tonight some more. 

A week of delving within, of learning.

Where do I begin?

Two very different things have been happening over the last week.

One, I went to two different shamanic sound healing workshops.

The first, was more of a dreamlike state. I went into what I can only describe as a trance, and when I came out of it the only thought in my mind was “don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep, stay awake and aware”. I took this as my subconscious and/or spiritual guides telling me to keep on the path I am on.

The second, was more of an awakening and incorporated breathwork. I experienced tingling sensations through my head and forehead that I can only understand as charges of energy coming through me, that my nerves went haywire over. All steps on the journey of moving forward. I felt very connected to the spirit world during this one. I let go of all the pain inside that I possibly could. I felt warm hands holding mine. I felt as though my mom as there with me, and I could feel her cheek against mine.

I’ve learned that the quieter and more in focus I get, the more I am connecting to the spiritual realm. There are guides both seen and unseen that are helping me in this process and I am thirsting for more. I am thankful that I’m opening up and seeing beyond reality to the beautiful existence that we all live in, but may not see.

Next order of business. First therapy appointment. Met with my new therapist who is very good. He had me figured out just by what I was telling him. I was in tears, first appointment. Always a good sign for me as I am usually quite defensive.

I had originally requested for a therapist that specialized in EMDR as I’ve had quite a lot of growth when I was doing EMDR. However, the place I go to doesn’t have a therapist who does EMDR right now, so after talking to the therapist I met and learning he specializes in Hypnotherapy, I decided I was going to try that route. It’s the only other specialized therapy I had considered. Essentially it is doing the same thing EMDR would do, just going about it a different way.

I am interested to see if I CAN be hypnotized because of my defensive nature. But time will tell. First hypnotherapy appointment is next week. 🙂

Trusting the journey I move forward to see where the path leads. I am excited, and locked in, ready to go. Til next time, namaste! ❤

Coming Alive.

To be so sheltered by your own mind for so long…wears on you.

I’ve been moving head first into change lately. Owning up to who and what I am. To what I don’t want. To who I want to be.

Healing through experience. Making choices based on what my intuition and heart know is best.

For the first time in my life I’m waking up with an inner peace that I have been longing for.

I can breathe. I hold hope in my heart. I know how to get myself on track. I’m living my truth. For me. And nobody else. I’m taking it back.

Learning and growing at super sonic speeds. So so grateful for the awakening I’ve had. Opening my heart to others and letting love in for real. No longer hiding the parts of me that used to make me feel ashamed.

Life is beautiful. And the best part is there is all the time in the world to rise. To come alive. ❤