I have had a long long road to get to this point.
As I mentioned before, for the first time in my life I am seeing myself from the outside looking in.
This had led me on a journey to find the ways to heal. I’ve committed myself fully to my recovery.
I found a therapist here who will come to me wherever that may be, and will take me on walks in nature while we talk. (weather permitting) She seems like she is going to be good for me, and I’m excited about that.
I’ve also been looking into EMDR therapy to help deal with my traumatic memories (or lack there of, since I can’t remember)
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of psychotherapy that was developed by Francine Shapiro to resolve the development of trauma-related disorders caused by exposure to distressing events such as rape or military combat. According to Shapiro’s theory, when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm usual cognitive and neurologicalcoping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli of the event are inadequately processed, and are dysfunctionally stored in an isolated memory network. The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering influence and allowing clients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms.
This was brought up to me by the girl I was seeing in Calgary. From what I understand it is able to get in there and process the memories that are locked away, sometimes without even having to experience them.
I FULLY believe that without dealing with the root cause of my issues, I will never get better. It’s like putting a bandaid on a broken leg. It’s still broken.
So my first EMDR appointment is exactly one month from today. In the meantime I am going to committ myself to at least one session a week with my psychologist and getting myself off all forms of mood/mind altering things. This includes caffeine, sugar for the most part, alcohol and switching to a lower dose birth control.
First and foremost, I’d like to work on my anger, as this seems to be the most troubling symptom for me. Behavioural therapy will help with this I hope, and even more so once I use EMDR.
Now. What is it that I think I have?
I believe I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The 9 criteria are as follows: (and I will give an example of this comes out in me)
- A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following
- 1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
Example: Every boyfriend who has ever tried to break up with me I will literally fight tooth hand and nail to not let them leave. This has included paranoid thoughts. I believe this stems from feeling abandoned by my dad as a child.
The “I hate you, don’t leave me”. I have frequently loved someone one day, and the second they do something wrong (or what I perceive as wrong) I fly into hating them, not wanting them near me, and sometimes, wanting to hurt them for what they have done (again likely only in my perception)
There are days that I love the way I look, and there are other days that I will obsessively pick at my face, body etc. Somedays it feels like I am seeing a totally different person in the mirror than I did the day before.
I have suffered from many, including a cocaine addiction, drinking far too much, and promiscuous sex. What I realized was that I was doing the drugs and alcohol so that my anxiety around others would lessen. I was only hurting myself more in the long run though.
I have only once experienced suicidal behaviour/cutting my arms. I do however, pick at scars, myself and aggresively bite my nails. Not always but heightened stress brings it out much worse.
instability due to a marked reactivity of mood
(e.g., intense episodic dysphoria
, irritability or anxiety
usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
I am completely unstable in my emotions. The best way I can explain it is that I constantly feeling on edge and anxious. The littlest things, or things that shouldn’t set me off, do. I can be crying one minute, happy the next, angry the next. My moods generally only last a few hours at most. I have never as far as I can remember, experienced a full day where nothing bothered me and I was happy all day long.
I sometimes feel this way. A lot of times it’s more so that I feel like I give so much to just TRY to feel normal that I have nothing left. Alternatively if I am feeling sad I get extreme feelings on emptiness. Like the pain has ripped me into a billion pieces and turned me to dust. Thankfully these are few and far between. I really do have a really good support system.
8) Inappropriate anger
or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
Anger is my biggest issue. I can fly off the handle because I drop a plate and break it while doing dishes. I can freak out if someone is 2 minutes late to meet me. My brain in that situation starts to go into overdrive, imagining every possible horrible thing that they are doing to me, indirectly or directly by being late. Where could they be? Why the eff are they late? If it’s a boyfriend… who is he with? What is he doing? I’m going to effing scream when I see him! He’s going to be sorry! and on and on and on. And frankly I look crazy when I’m like this.
When I experience anger I often experience dissociation. I blackout essentially. Often, I don’t even remember how it started or why I was angry and sometimes even what the fight involved.
I also experience paranoid/obsessive thoughts. I get so wound up I usually end up making myself sick to my stomach or headaches etc.
I have thought that maybe what I have is PTSD as well, but since I do not have memories of the trauma, I do not experience flashbacks, which tends to be a big deciding factor from what I’ve read.
I’m all ears for anyone’s take on any of this.