New moon tomorrow!

I am so very drawn to the new moon. It always seems like such an exciting time. And this is no exception as we move into the sun sign of Sagittarius on the same day! I’m also anticipating when Saturn moves into Sag as this marks the beginning of what I believe shall be interesting times as its my Saturn Return. It does this on Christmas Eve and hey my birthday is exactly a week later! I’ll be 29 and holy moly the last year of my 20’s will be a big one I can feel it!

I even suspect the slowing down of my life due to illness and personal choices has wiped the slate clean for what new and exciting things shall come!

So,
Tomorrow I will use this new moon energy to map out my wishes for the future.

Excited!!! ^.^

The spiritual meaning of illness and injury.

Exactly 106 days ago I was knocked down by a severe adverse reaction to an antibiotic I was given. It attacked my collagen in my leg causing degeneration in my tendons, ligaments and fascia, and the WORST pain I’d ever felt in my entire life. The type that makes you literally rip out your hair and want to die. Then it hit my central nervous system and gave me the worst insomnia, not sleeping for days. Then tremors, which felt like I had parkinsons’. Then nerve pains, electrical shocks through my body.

I read all over the internet about people getting this and being gravely ill for a year, or years. I then developed panic attacks and anxiety. I was the sickest I’d ever been in my entire life. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get better and if not for a very long time.

But the second I decided to change my views and let my body rest and heal as it needed to, I did start to get better.

As of 99 days into it, so a week ago today, I am able to walk. I am not dancing yet, but I imagine I will be soon. ALL of my symptoms have completely disappeared. The only thing remaining is a slightly shortened achilles tendon, which is being worked on in physio and I know I will make a full recovery.

Now, in a spiritual sense, what does this all mean?

I believe I was being tested. That it was a dark night of the soul. That I needed to go through this to really fight for what I wanted in my life. To fight for life itself.

A leg injury can mean you are afraid to move forward. And while I didn’t want to readily admit I was afraid of leaving all I knew behind and embarking on a new journey and new career, of course I actually was.

But this left me wanting for it, MORE.

It taught me the ever so hard to learn PATIENCE. I had to let my body slowly heal, and my mind heal along with it, as I lay in bed nearly 24-7 for over 3 months.

I’m stubborn. Only I could have this sort of experience to make me learn lol.

But I’m glad for it. I’m thankful for it.

I needed it.

So next you’re experiencing a roadblock of some kind…ask yourself…Do I need this lesson?

 

❤

Updates.

I have been ever so busy, with my therapy, with the holidays, with a new man in my life and I needed some time to process all that happened. 

My EMDR has been hugely successful this time around. I am doing a different type, instead of eye movements we use these buzzing things that go in each hand and buzz back and forth. This type of EMDR has proven to be much  more successful for me to bring up stuff. 

I started healing my connections to my dad and my young life, my parent’s divorce. It must have done something because when I was invited for Christmas with my dad and stepmom I didn’t make excuses this time, I actually went! That trip didn’t go exactly as planned, but I did go there to reconnect with my dad, and I DID do that! Progress! 

Today, we focused on my rape. I was able to bring up the body memories of it, although not yet have I brought up any words or memories. I was overloaded with body memories today however. Clenching, tight muscles, headache, unable to breathe, shaky, anxiety, twitching muscles…a whole gamut of things. At the end of my session, we left things open, safely. So in other words I may have flashbacks or dreams about it over the next week until my next session. When I left there I felt weird, as though my eyes were opened a little more, that I was seeing more of the world. Like a part of me had been awakened? My child self? 

I set up a reiki appointment for Saturday, because now that the memory has been opened a little it’s probably a good time to do some energetic healing. 

I am excited for this new development. To even have just the body memories from a memory I’ve had locked away for 20 years is nothing short of amazing! I am so excited to see where this takes me and to finally…heal this. ❤

The Dance.

Most people who follow my blog may know a little bit about me. That I have C-PTSD, that this is my “private” outlet for voicing what happens in my life. My journey that I may not want to share with everyone. Most of my friends don’t know about this blog. Very very few do.

So what do I do in my real life to heal? I DANCE. In fact, I co-own a dance/visual performance company in Canada. Dance is in my blood. I think I began dancing as soon as I could walk. It’s led me to the most beautiful places and people. My team is the most solid group of humans I could ever ask for. Who understand that dance is therapy to me. That if I’m not dancing with a fire inside, something is wrong.

I am forever grateful for the blessings we’ve been given. Last year we performed at 230 shows in 365 days! I’ve performed in front of upwards of 15,000 people.

Being in the public eye sometimes leads me to hide who I am. But recently, I’ve started talking about mental illness with almost everyone. Opening up. And to my great surprise not only were people accepting and loving, but they also opened up!

It’s been an incredible time of learning and growing.

Last week, was the one year anniversary of my mom’s death. I was performing at an outdoor music festival in the mountains. I saw butterflies all day around me. A common theme since she passed away. Mom, that dance was for you, and what a way to say hello! I love you. ❤

I think we so often get lost in our daily lives that we forget to dance. To remember. To live freely.

I hope you dance. I hope I dance. This day, and every day forward. With a fire inside.

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery,
sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by th e strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have
set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that
help us live side by side with each other, let
us risk remembering that we never stop silently
loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the ea rth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet
and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but sti ll the voices within and around us
shout that Soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your
people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s
children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to LOVE it! 

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness
and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and
in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
Dance with me in the infinite pause
before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into Being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me…

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Dance