Tag Archives: happy

Adulthood?

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As I sit on the eve of my first Saturn Return I am catching myself wondering about what it means to have grown.  I look back on my childish behavior and life over the last ten years and wonder is this what it feels like to have finally grown up? 

Certainly it was chock full of growing pains and heartache. I have been put through the ringer the last few years and I wonder what Saturn has in store for me. I know there is more to come. 

But what has happened through this year is a great slow down.  Partially because of my illness and partially because I made a conscious choice to stop living a childish existence. 

I left behind a life I could still be living.  A very public spotlight.  Performing in front of thousands of people in hundreds of shows a year. But there was a dark side to it as well. It was an ego driven thing.  Sure.  I love dance. But I loved being loved.  And have spent the majority of my life looking for it in all the wrong places.  I didn’t love myself.  I loved the image I projected. But that image no longer exists.  Getting sick took care of that. 

And then I slowly undid the doings of my life as I deleted social media profiles and cut the unnecessary people out of my life.  The people who only knew the face I put on. 

What I’m really stuck on is where I fit into the world now. 

I long to find my tribe.

I have experienced so many strange unusual spiritual paranormal things over the last 3 years that I have a hard time connecting with lots of people.

What a strange place to be.  Standing at the precipice of adulthood. No longer fitting in the old child like ways.  But still not quite there. 

Saturn.  I think I’m ready for you. 😉

And edit:

The universe just showed this video to me :
The Innovation of Loneliness: http://youtu.be/c6Bkr_udado

Weird

Why I quit drinking at age 28.

My birthday was New Years Eve, and for the first time this year, I did not drink, I did not get high, and I had a wonderful night in with the man I love. 

I had my “birthday party” on the 28th of December, and that was the last night I will hopefully ever pick up a drink or drugs again. 

I had decided I was going to not drink while I was doing my Wu Tao teacher training, and that would take me about 5-6 months to do. I figured it was a good way to give my body a break, and try to quit smoking. 

What came just this last week, was the realization that I don’t ever want to pick up a drink again. 

When I drank, I wanted to do drugs. I’d do drugs til the next morning, fully knowing that I was hating myself for doing so. I was self medicating.

When I drank, I became an angry drunk. One too many nights full of fighting, throwing drinks, and even punching people. 

When I drank, I hated myself. 

When I drank, I smoked too much. 

When I drank, I slipped farther away from my path. 

When I drank, I was not true to me. 

So, on December 28, 2013, I had my last drink. I haven’t looked back. The drinking was never really something that pulled me in or that I felt I HAD to do, it just led to all sorts of other things I didn’t need. 

Today, I am 25 days sober and clean. 

Today, I am 5 days quit smoking. 

Today, I look forward with bright eyes towards a very rewarding future helping to heal others. 

I am stoked. ❤

Many of my friends have not really understood where I’m coming from. But, as I have healed my past and inner self, I have realized all the damage I had been doing to myself over the years just trying to cope. I don’t need to “cope” anymore. I freed myself. It is with knowing that, that I may walk forward without the need to be numbed or taken by anything. My friends will catch up when they realize this is really what is best for me. I’m not weird, I have just chosen to really live the best healthy life I can for myself.