Tag Archives: Healing

EMDR is DONE!

Yesterday was my last EMDR appointment…hopefully forever! 

We tried to access the memory and literally nothing was coming up. No body sensations, no words, no feelings. Just fully processed through. 

I AM FREE! 

I can’t believe what an incredible transformation my life has gone through over the last two years, in the last 6 months, in the last 6 weeks. 

Life really does fall into place once you set free all the blocks you need to. 

Forever Grateful,

T ❤

444

The number that started this journey, almost 2 years ago. 

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about 444, and felt compelled to look it up again.

Seeing 444 can mean you are entering the 4th dimension. The “symptoms” of that totally make sense for all the things I began to experience in 2012. 

What is even more interesting is what else it said. That 444 means your angels/spirit guides are very near and trying to help you, and you may even HEAR them say something to you.

I just figured out where that voice came from at 4:44 am that morning….holy crap…

Sleep Disturbed.

Bah. I write this after two nights of the most restless sleep I have ever had in my life. I have never had trouble with sleep at all.

That EMDR session on Thursday seems to have stirred up some stuff. First night, I slept 2 hours, then 2.5, then 2. 

Last night, 4, 2, up for over 2 hours, then 2. 

In addition to this, I’ve been bursting out crying randomly. 

I know this is part of the process but I feel like my mind and body are being put through the wringer right now. Here’s hoping it slows down tonight some more. 

Random Thoughts.

When I was younger, I began writing my life story. From a very young age I felt my journey was to be something I could share and help others with. Boy was I wildly off at that point. So many more things have happened after the last two years. 

Through unimaginable pain and losing no less than 7 people in 2012, to spontaneously setting off a spiritual awakening through those deaths, to becoming someone other people come to for advice, to FINALLY unlocking my amnesia and freeing myself of C-PTSD..what a ride it’s been. 

So now it’s got me thinking again, should I document this in great detail. Should I start that book again? 

And also, people have been coming to me a lot with sick parents, asking me how I seemed to have floated through the passing of my mom…and believe me, the deaths taught me A LOT about how to deal. Maybe I can start by writing about that. 

BREAKTHROUGH!!!

Last week in my EMDR we focused specifically on the rape. I was getting body memories coming up….tons of them. It left me quite open and not feeling like myself. The past week I have been having a hard time staying asleep feeling quite agigated. I did a reiki session to get the energy flowing properly, and today I could feel energy moving around in my chest and chin and I thought it was anxiety until right before my session when the energy then centred around my third eye chakra. I went into my session feeling that energy moving in a circle on my brow. This time, I started to remember or “know” what happened after the rape. Then literally all of a sudden I KNEW everything. I didn’t get a flashback but I was putting all the pieces together! Then, came the anger….oh the anger. Then a feeling of being nauseous. We left it at the anger. My therapist said to go home and get that anger out in a positive way, so I’m writing this and I’m going to do some painting. When we were ending the session and going into my safe place I could feel my mom with me. I think this was a day both of us were very much waiting for. And even though she’s not here physically she was most definitely there with me today. 

 

End result? I AM SOOOOOOO HAPPY! I finally had the breakthrough I had been waiting for, for 20 years! YIPPEE!

 

🙂

Flashback.

Through my entire experience dealing with C-PTSD I only had what I could recognize as emotional flashbacks, or upheavals of emotion out of nowhere. 

This morning, upon awakening, I had what I would consider my first real memory flashback. It’s not a memory that I had forgotten, so it must have been sometime after the rape, but very close to it. I think I’m closing in on that time in my life. 

I became overwhelmed with thoughts of this particular incident that happened probably around the age of 7, my brother was still in a stroller, so that’s how I’m gauging my timing. A man was following my mom, my brother in the stroller and me walking beside. In our neighborhood he followed us almost home. I remember him knowing I saw him and flashing a gun. All these thoughts came pouring into my mind all at once this morning. 

What is interesting is what I did next. I started using EMDR on myself. I moved my eyes back and forth, side to side, as I envisioned myself running away to safety and telling myself I am safe and breathing through it. It passed. 

I knew I may have flashbacks after my last session but I thought they’d be in regards to the rape. This wasn’t but it was very very close to that time in my life. I’m closing in on it. It’s starting to come out and heal. Whoa. 

I am stoked on this development. YAY! 🙂

 

Updates.

I have been ever so busy, with my therapy, with the holidays, with a new man in my life and I needed some time to process all that happened. 

My EMDR has been hugely successful this time around. I am doing a different type, instead of eye movements we use these buzzing things that go in each hand and buzz back and forth. This type of EMDR has proven to be much  more successful for me to bring up stuff. 

I started healing my connections to my dad and my young life, my parent’s divorce. It must have done something because when I was invited for Christmas with my dad and stepmom I didn’t make excuses this time, I actually went! That trip didn’t go exactly as planned, but I did go there to reconnect with my dad, and I DID do that! Progress! 

Today, we focused on my rape. I was able to bring up the body memories of it, although not yet have I brought up any words or memories. I was overloaded with body memories today however. Clenching, tight muscles, headache, unable to breathe, shaky, anxiety, twitching muscles…a whole gamut of things. At the end of my session, we left things open, safely. So in other words I may have flashbacks or dreams about it over the next week until my next session. When I left there I felt weird, as though my eyes were opened a little more, that I was seeing more of the world. Like a part of me had been awakened? My child self? 

I set up a reiki appointment for Saturday, because now that the memory has been opened a little it’s probably a good time to do some energetic healing. 

I am excited for this new development. To even have just the body memories from a memory I’ve had locked away for 20 years is nothing short of amazing! I am so excited to see where this takes me and to finally…heal this. ❤

21 Day Gratitude Meditation by Louie Swartzberg – Day One

21 Day Gratitude Meditation, Day One: Finding your purpose. 
What gives you a fire inside? What would make you wake up each day being so grateful for life? 

A few weeks ago, I figured out what my purpose is. And I will spend the next year training to do it. Starting in December. 

Tonight, as I was watching the meditation video, it stopped and would not play past 9:44, I had to refresh the entire page. I looked up what 944 means in angel numbers:

“The repeating number 944 is a message that the angels and Archangels are supporting your Divine life purpose and are encouraging you to look into spiritually-based work and/or career path. The angels encourage you to set your goals and pursue your aspirations with enthusiasm and passion. Trust the workings of the Universe.

The repeating Angel Number 944 is a message that your Divine life purpose involves serving humanity using your ‘lightworking’ abilities. Trust that you have all the skills and talents you need in order to fulfil your spiritual destiny.”

I don’t know how to explain these increasingly amazing signs I get, but if you see and notice numbers, pay attention. The universe is trying to tell you something.  😉 ❤

Breakthroughs.

I’ve been doing some chakra meditation and healing specifically related to my past sexual trauma. Interestingly enough, I had spider fall right in my face the next day. Spiders are represented by creative feminine energy. This is blocked when you have a blocked sacral and solar plexus chakra as I do. The very fact that I wasn’t afraid of it shows me that I have been releasing that from myself. 

I also put two and two together in relation to the back and forth abnormal pap tests I’ve had for years. As I’ve been harboring so much pain from my past in those areas of my body, I have created dis-ease. 

Healing myself through meditation and visualizations is becoming a daily ritual in my life. I’ve been doing daily if not twice daily energy cleansing on myself for weeks now, and I feel amazing after I do so. Now, I am taking what I’ve learned and directing it specifically to the chakras and points of resistance in myself, opening up waves of energy to flow freely. 

I am healing myself. We all have this amazing ability to heal our own body, mind and soul. Remembering that, is taking us back to where we belong in this universe. To who and what we truly are. 

I remember, who and what I am. And even though I may never have the memories from my early childhood back, I have been able to somewhat bypass that and find my true soul nature anyways. And in the process I’ve healed a lot of the wounds myself. 

There is still lots of work to do but I know I’m SO on the right path. 

I am in love with life. 

I am in love with my progress. 

I am in love with the beauty I see all around me. 

I am in love with who I am. 

I remember. 

Spiritual Awakening.

I have been meaning to start documenting all that has happened in my life as far as a spiritual awakening. So I suppose I will just start from the beginning and go from there.

In January of 2012, my friend went missing in Whistler, Canada. I felt very drawn to his disappearance. Two days before his body was found, I woke up at 4:44 am. I heard a woman’s voice say Mike’s dead. Things have never been the same since.

I started at that time noticing repeating numbers. I would see them mostly in the clocks around me, but I started to teach myself what they meant and to pay attention.

It was then that I started to experience synchronicity. I would meet people randomly on the street who were talking about the same things I had been thinking about.

I had an angel card reading done, and they were telling me to open up and allow it to flow through my life.

So I did.

I was still in BC, and I felt very close with nature. Very grounded. Sitting by the river in the pouring rain was amazing.

Last July, my mom’s ALS was starting to get worse, so I felt deep within I needed to come back to my hometown. My mom died 3 weeks later. I spent the last 10 days of her life with her in the hospice. She was seeing angels, and all sorts of things. I believe she was fully in this world and the next for the last few days. When she passed away, I was with her. I didn’t know that when people die, they take one last BIG breath after they die. My mom’s lung capacity was so little at that point there’s no way she could have physically taken a breath that deep. I began to understand that her soul had left her body at that point.

That night, I went to sleep and I had a dream about my mom being taken out of the hospice and put into a body bag, and she was screaming for me. She was still alive. I came to understand that perhaps I was experiencing her crossing over with her. The confusion.

The day after she died, I saw my first butterfly. I was laying on the beach (a thing she loved to do) and a butterfly landed right in front of my face.

A week later, at her funeral I received two gifts from my close friends and both had butterflies on them. I hadn’t told anyone I’d been seeing butterflies.

August turned into quite the month, with 4 more deaths. 2 on August 31st. A murder, and a car accident. Both young.

Around this time I was visited for the first time by my mom in a dream. I did not see her, but I felt her, and knew it was her and had an overwhelming sense of warm fuzzy feelings.

One of the people who died on August 31, 2012 was a girl named Amy. She was a dancer for my company. She was murdered.

On October 31st, I was visited by her. I was at a concert for one of her favorite djs and all of a sudden it was like a sonic BOOM hit me, and I could feel her there. I broke into tears in the middle of this 3000 person deep crowd. It was AMAZING. It was my first waking life visitation.

My mom continued to visit me or give me signs. I’ve had a musical jewelry box (given to me at her funeral) start playing for a minute straight without being open or wound up.

On mothers day this year, my power surged as I hit post talking about missing her.

The repeating numbers in 2013 have been a much more common, almost daily, occurence. And they started showing up in things other than clocks. A bill from the local coffee shop. $4.44. Licence plates, phone numbers.

Two months ago, my heart chakra opened. I can only describe this as a feeling of flowing moving energy and unusual heart beats for two days straight. The heart chakra helps with self acceptance and love.

It was then that I decided to start talking about my mental illness and my struggles, publicly. I began to live in my whole truth. No longer afraid to hide or be afraid of being my true self.

As of the last month, things have become more intense in my life. After talking about a side project I’m working on, I kept seeing 777 or 7777 everywhere. Which essentially means you’re on your divine life path. So I’m very excited to see where that takes me.

It’s gotten so easy to ask my guides for assistance that I just look to the sky and say show me the way, and a vehicle drove by with 2222 on it’s licence place right after.

Or, as I was walking along the river, I looked up and said Universe show me love! And looked down to see a heart shaped rock at my feet.

Recently, in the last few weeks though, things have become very strange. I’ve begun to see things that are not of this dimension. I have been seeing orgone, which is the universal life energy. A portal. My first spirit. Rainbow clouds. I was gifted a painting during my energy experiments that looks like a portal. As I believe my crown chakra is opening, I think it’s no accident that painting came into my life at that time.

Through this process I’ve met many teachers and recently I have been attracting people in my life who need assistance. To the point of them literally knocking at my door. One night as I was coming home a couple weekends ago, I saw a guy about my age, struggling to bring stuff into my building. I’d never met him before. I asked him where he was coming from, as it was 4 am. He said he had been in rehab for opiates/hydromorph for 6 weeks. Well, my intuition tells me that something wasn’t right. That night, I started seeing a specific part of my wall start to morph. At one point it looked like my friend Amy’s face was coming out of the wall. Well, I know when I feel loved ones who have passed I feel very loving and warm. This was not the case. I started experiencing frustrations in life and feeling tired alot. I picked up some sort of shape shifting entity from the addict. I have done a smudge and it is gone, but if I continue to help this person I must be careful to cleanse my energy and space.

Last week, after expressing my confusion as to where my life path is leading, a mix I was listening to, stopped itself at 3:33. That was the first time that something was deliberatly manipulated to show me something. 333 means your guides are telling you to ask them for guidance on showing your life path.

A lot of this is very new to me, but it is exciting. I am not afraid. I am open to receiving the gifts that are coming to me.

It’s a new era, and this, is just the tip of the iceberg. 😉 ❤