Tag Archives: hope

Angel visions.

I wanted to share a story I haven’t shared about my illness earlier this year.

In case you haven’t read my blog before I will explain. 

In February 2014 I was prescribed a drug called Cipro (ciprofloxacin) for a suspected but never confirmed kidney infection. (To this day I don’t believe I ever actually had one).

I took two pills of the antibiotic and felt like my right leg was swelling. 4 days later my leg was in such excruciating pain and seizing up that I could not walk. I was bedridden for 3.5 months and having to take percocet on a timer…literally. If I did not the pain that felt like my leg was being ripped apart would come back. Over the 3.5 months I developed head tremor, anxiety, panic attacks, shooting and electrical shock like pains through my body, among many other symptoms.

During this time I was often in and out of consciousness because of the heavy pain medication I was taking.

During one of these days I was so desperate for some relief after literally bawling and ripping my hair out wondering why this happened to me.

I was so desperate I was willing to try anything.

I called on Archangel Michael.

Later that day I experienced a closed eye vision of a very tall blue man. He must have been 10 ft tall. He wasn’t so much blue but he glowed that color. He did not have wings.

This being sat on the end of the bed for the whole day. Watching over me I think.

Shortly after this visitation I started seeing a naturopath who treated me with myofascial release on my leg and then eventually Glutathione IV’s.  The glutathione turned the tables.

I had been getting sicker and sicker until that point. After the first IV I could straighten my leg and after the second the other symptoms went away completely.

At 99 days after taking 2 pills I started to walk. 

Fast forward to September of this year I went through a 4 week relapse in illness.  This can happen. 

I’m almost 11 months past this and I still struggle but I am healing.

I won’t ever forget my visitation in my dire time of need. I wanted to die I was in such severe pain. I mean I didn’t really…but I was so desperate.

I’m still figuring out spirituality since I opened the door almost 3 years ago. But I do believe angels are very real.

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Hope.

What can I say? 

Its been a scary couple of weeks. 

Today my doctor confirmed I have tendon “issues”. Basically,  I have tendintis in almost every tendon from the knee down in my right leg.  I have been given only the answer of its going to take time. I have to keep resting,  put heat on it, and probably need physio.  

What iis terrible is the fact that I only took two doses of Cipro. Why is a drug like this even on the market? 

I aam frustrated and trying to keep my head up because I must keep positive to get better. 

I am going to get healthy again. 

I am going to dance everyday again.

I am going to survive. 

I am strong. 

Health.

Well. I have had quite the health scare this past week and a half. 

I went to the emergency room a week and a half ago with pain in my lower back around where my kidney is. I’d had suspected kidney stones before and a couple kidney infections so I knew I had to get looked at soon.

Long story short, without having a full confirmation that I had an infection I was prescribed an antibiotic called ciproflaxacin.  After just two doses of this drug my right leg began swelling. 

I have been in and out of hospitals 4 times in the last week. The swelling turned to pain in my tendons ligaments muscles and joints in that leg. 

I have been in such excruciating pain that I am now on percocets. 

Doctors have been doing batteries of tests. My major concern was a blood clot but I have since had no signs of that through tests. 

That drug is known to cause tendonitis and tendon rupture.  I believe all the symptoms I am experiencing are related to that drug. I’ve found hundreds of stories just like mine online. I haven’t been able to walk in 6 days. I am on crutches.  

I believe this drug caused a toxicity of my system. Right now my biggest goal is to ccompletely detox and cleanse my body of this and any other toxins.  

This has tested me to the very core. I am a dancer. That is my livelihood.  To say I have felt devastated over the last week and a half is an understatement. 

Thankfully, I have friends who are supportive and knowledgeable in cleansing the body. 

For the first time today i am feeling a glimmer of hope again.  I will fight this. I will gain back my health. 

I will survive…duh…that’s what I do. 

 

Ps- don’t take cipro or levaquin or related drugs. Bad bad bad no no no!!!

Why I quit drinking at age 28.

My birthday was New Years Eve, and for the first time this year, I did not drink, I did not get high, and I had a wonderful night in with the man I love. 

I had my “birthday party” on the 28th of December, and that was the last night I will hopefully ever pick up a drink or drugs again. 

I had decided I was going to not drink while I was doing my Wu Tao teacher training, and that would take me about 5-6 months to do. I figured it was a good way to give my body a break, and try to quit smoking. 

What came just this last week, was the realization that I don’t ever want to pick up a drink again. 

When I drank, I wanted to do drugs. I’d do drugs til the next morning, fully knowing that I was hating myself for doing so. I was self medicating.

When I drank, I became an angry drunk. One too many nights full of fighting, throwing drinks, and even punching people. 

When I drank, I hated myself. 

When I drank, I smoked too much. 

When I drank, I slipped farther away from my path. 

When I drank, I was not true to me. 

So, on December 28, 2013, I had my last drink. I haven’t looked back. The drinking was never really something that pulled me in or that I felt I HAD to do, it just led to all sorts of other things I didn’t need. 

Today, I am 25 days sober and clean. 

Today, I am 5 days quit smoking. 

Today, I look forward with bright eyes towards a very rewarding future helping to heal others. 

I am stoked. ❤

Many of my friends have not really understood where I’m coming from. But, as I have healed my past and inner self, I have realized all the damage I had been doing to myself over the years just trying to cope. I don’t need to “cope” anymore. I freed myself. It is with knowing that, that I may walk forward without the need to be numbed or taken by anything. My friends will catch up when they realize this is really what is best for me. I’m not weird, I have just chosen to really live the best healthy life I can for myself. 

Freedom.

FREEDOM.

What does it mean to be free?

What if your freedoms in life were taken away?

Would you fight?

Would you cry?

Would you love?

 

I always wanted to come from a place of love in my life. I was doing pretty good. I was manifesting the life I wanted. But sometimes toxic people come into play. How do you give your best intentions to the universe and send love to someone who won’t respect your boundaries? Do you walk away from an abusive, violent, sad, controlling person? Does that fix them? I struggled for so long on what to do when someone like this came into my life. My heart ached for their pain when I decided to remove myself from the situation. How could I be coming from a place of love when I was walking away? How do I get free, and how do I still keep love pouring forth from me? In any difficult situation for that matter?

First things, first. If you are NOT safe, you need to get yourself into a situation where  you are. Call whoever you need to get yourself out.

Secondly, forgive them. Forgiveness is not for them. It is a gift you yourself. Taking back your freedom.

Third, Understanding. We all come through life with very different tracks in the road behind us. We are all a product of our environments and experiences. To know and understand this, is to understand love.

Fourth, take back your life. Take up creative endeavours. Go out dancing. Reconnect with your friends and family. Seek the experiences that bring you back to your true form

Fifth, and this is the hardest one of all…send them love. This one has proven incredibly hard for me. I try to live so much in love, but when your trust and feelings have been torn by someone for so long it’s hard to want to do anything but walk away. But, I bit my tongue, and I held onto the feeling that if I was able to take the hate out of my heart I could send out some love energy to heal. So that’s what I began to do

 

I think that what we sometimes forget is that when we hold something in, when we don’t speak about it, or do something about it, and choose instead to remain motionless and voiceless…we aren’t acting out of love for OURSELVES. Just because it’s not necessarily going to be that positive in reaction for someone, doesn’t mean we should hold ourselves back from doing what is right for us. Taking back our freedom. ❤

A week of delving within, of learning.

Where do I begin?

Two very different things have been happening over the last week.

One, I went to two different shamanic sound healing workshops.

The first, was more of a dreamlike state. I went into what I can only describe as a trance, and when I came out of it the only thought in my mind was “don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep, stay awake and aware”. I took this as my subconscious and/or spiritual guides telling me to keep on the path I am on.

The second, was more of an awakening and incorporated breathwork. I experienced tingling sensations through my head and forehead that I can only understand as charges of energy coming through me, that my nerves went haywire over. All steps on the journey of moving forward. I felt very connected to the spirit world during this one. I let go of all the pain inside that I possibly could. I felt warm hands holding mine. I felt as though my mom as there with me, and I could feel her cheek against mine.

I’ve learned that the quieter and more in focus I get, the more I am connecting to the spiritual realm. There are guides both seen and unseen that are helping me in this process and I am thirsting for more. I am thankful that I’m opening up and seeing beyond reality to the beautiful existence that we all live in, but may not see.

Next order of business. First therapy appointment. Met with my new therapist who is very good. He had me figured out just by what I was telling him. I was in tears, first appointment. Always a good sign for me as I am usually quite defensive.

I had originally requested for a therapist that specialized in EMDR as I’ve had quite a lot of growth when I was doing EMDR. However, the place I go to doesn’t have a therapist who does EMDR right now, so after talking to the therapist I met and learning he specializes in Hypnotherapy, I decided I was going to try that route. It’s the only other specialized therapy I had considered. Essentially it is doing the same thing EMDR would do, just going about it a different way.

I am interested to see if I CAN be hypnotized because of my defensive nature. But time will tell. First hypnotherapy appointment is next week. 🙂

Trusting the journey I move forward to see where the path leads. I am excited, and locked in, ready to go. Til next time, namaste! ❤

Coming Alive.

To be so sheltered by your own mind for so long…wears on you.

I’ve been moving head first into change lately. Owning up to who and what I am. To what I don’t want. To who I want to be.

Healing through experience. Making choices based on what my intuition and heart know is best.

For the first time in my life I’m waking up with an inner peace that I have been longing for.

I can breathe. I hold hope in my heart. I know how to get myself on track. I’m living my truth. For me. And nobody else. I’m taking it back.

Learning and growing at super sonic speeds. So so grateful for the awakening I’ve had. Opening my heart to others and letting love in for real. No longer hiding the parts of me that used to make me feel ashamed.

Life is beautiful. And the best part is there is all the time in the world to rise. To come alive. ❤

The Seed.

C-PTSD.

The words jumped out the screen at me. I never knew the answer to all my life’s questions could be answered in 5 little words and a hyphen.

How incredibly mind blowing my journey has been. To have answers, to have truth. To be TRUTH.

Owning up to my journey and the battles has been incredibly healing in and of itself. When I began to talk about my mental illness, I realized I was NOT alone. That many struggle with mental illness as well and even if they don’t, they are receptive and loving. They are there.

I feel like I went my whole life feeling as though I was alone. That nobody understood me. That I was shameful. That I was wrong. That I was a bad person. That I couldn’t expose my true self to others or I would be shunned.

I wanted so much to be accepted and loved, that I accepted far less than I was worth and didn’t feel that I deserved more.

The turning point began several years ago when a friend gave me a copy of the book The Secret. I didn’t know it then, but that book would give me skills that I would later find very useful in my healing of C-PTSD. The book teaches you to take your negative inner talk and stop it, and change it into positive inner talk. This is imperative in my situation as negative inner talk is a lot of what makes me tick. Anxiety, low self esteem, fear…these things all plagued my life. I started learning to change my inner thoughts and my life started to change radically. I continued this throughout the last few years and it’s led to an inner light that I can keep shining if I work at it. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when I finally googled “complex post traumatic stress disorder”. To believe I had gone the last two years since my diagnosis thinking it was just a complex form of PTSD! What I read was eyeopening! It was me to a T!

What beautiful words they were. I could imagine myself in an instant reading the symptoms of C-PTSD! It was a complete revelation and since then, I’ve been thirsting for more and more knowledge of it. And connecting so many dots on a superhuman level.

I began talking openly with my friends about it. I began to understand myself better and what it was going to take to get a handle on this. I can’t believe I left my life in such shambles for so long when there was help out there! I just thought I was nuts!

My words of advice? Do not be afraid. Shine. And if you can’t shine, crawl towards the light until you can. You will never do anything more beautiful in your life for yourself. There’s hope. J

Much love. ❤