Tag Archives: illness

End of year reflection…and some big news

As I sit here and reflect on this year I wonder how much this year has helped me grow into a woman. I left behind a lot of things.

Illness plagued this year. Considering I spent approximately 5 months early this year bedridden and yet I am healthy today is a feat like no other. A miracle if you will.  Floxing changed everything about how I interact with the world. What substances I will put in my home and in my body. Chemicals are everywhere and I’m keeping my environment as natural as possible. 

Being sick also led to an even greater understanding of how very short life is. We only get one chance at life…well this one at least…so it’s pertinent to remember this and keep our dreams big and our hearts open.

My birthday is New Years Eve and I will be 29 this year. I have one last year of my 20’s and this is bringing about change as well.

My Saturn Return also falls over the next year. I’ve written several posts wondering about what my Saturn Return might mean.

Well, I do know one thing I will be doing…

My big news..

I am expecting my first child next year!

BIG changes on the way it seems. 🙂

And such a wonderful gift after struggling through this year.

I am excited and ecstatic! 

This one is going to go weird…

So. Almost a year ago I had psychic reading done by a woman. I’d won this reading a metaphysical meet up of sorts.

I didn’t think too much of it but this woman was so bang on about so many things. One of the things that she touched on was that when I was painting it helped me channel messages from the other side.  So I took her advice and I continued to intuitively paint.

In January of this year ( so about a month after my reading) I finally cracked open my childhood amnesia and was able to heal my past using EMDR therapy.  I wrote about that in the blog. What was interesting is that the day I went to the appointment where my memories came back I had energy swirling around my third eye Chakra.  My mind was letting go and opening.  It was pretty wild. During that session I could feel my mom there with me as well. 

That was an incredibly huge day I’d been waiting 20 years for.

A few days later I had the urge to paint.
OK….not just like oh I wanted to paint. We are talking primal urge. Hands shaking like something needed to get out…NOW! 

I did as I had done before and smudged my apartment and lit incense and played calming music.

My hands were anything but calm.

What came out of this painting was an image of the dark goddess also known by many other names such as Hecate and Kali. 

At the time after just pushing through 20 years of mental illness I took this as a sign that she had helped me transmute my trauma/darkness and move forward.

I am willing to fully admit I was wrong and what I was up against was still to come.

Less than two weeks later I had fallen ill. So ill as I’d never been in my entire life. Bedridden. Excruciating pain.

You can read previous blog posts if you need a refresher on what happened. 

But. No. Hecate showed herself to me because it was time for some DEEP transition and change in life.

A dark night of the soul.

It pulled me so far deep into my psyche and grabbed out all my fears about my life and silly lies I’d told myself about who I am.

What’s also interesting to note is the fact that the illness I was struck down with isn’t something that people get better from.

What I have surmised from this is that my particular case of illness was for a reason. Once that reason had been healed…it stopped. Imagine that. Hah.

But seriously?  Did I actually predict my illness?

Must pay more attention to signs. 😉

Angel visions.

I wanted to share a story I haven’t shared about my illness earlier this year.

In case you haven’t read my blog before I will explain. 

In February 2014 I was prescribed a drug called Cipro (ciprofloxacin) for a suspected but never confirmed kidney infection. (To this day I don’t believe I ever actually had one).

I took two pills of the antibiotic and felt like my right leg was swelling. 4 days later my leg was in such excruciating pain and seizing up that I could not walk. I was bedridden for 3.5 months and having to take percocet on a timer…literally. If I did not the pain that felt like my leg was being ripped apart would come back. Over the 3.5 months I developed head tremor, anxiety, panic attacks, shooting and electrical shock like pains through my body, among many other symptoms.

During this time I was often in and out of consciousness because of the heavy pain medication I was taking.

During one of these days I was so desperate for some relief after literally bawling and ripping my hair out wondering why this happened to me.

I was so desperate I was willing to try anything.

I called on Archangel Michael.

Later that day I experienced a closed eye vision of a very tall blue man. He must have been 10 ft tall. He wasn’t so much blue but he glowed that color. He did not have wings.

This being sat on the end of the bed for the whole day. Watching over me I think.

Shortly after this visitation I started seeing a naturopath who treated me with myofascial release on my leg and then eventually Glutathione IV’s.  The glutathione turned the tables.

I had been getting sicker and sicker until that point. After the first IV I could straighten my leg and after the second the other symptoms went away completely.

At 99 days after taking 2 pills I started to walk. 

Fast forward to September of this year I went through a 4 week relapse in illness.  This can happen. 

I’m almost 11 months past this and I still struggle but I am healing.

I won’t ever forget my visitation in my dire time of need. I wanted to die I was in such severe pain. I mean I didn’t really…but I was so desperate.

I’m still figuring out spirituality since I opened the door almost 3 years ago. But I do believe angels are very real.

The spiritual meaning of illness and injury.

Exactly 106 days ago I was knocked down by a severe adverse reaction to an antibiotic I was given. It attacked my collagen in my leg causing degeneration in my tendons, ligaments and fascia, and the WORST pain I’d ever felt in my entire life. The type that makes you literally rip out your hair and want to die. Then it hit my central nervous system and gave me the worst insomnia, not sleeping for days. Then tremors, which felt like I had parkinsons’. Then nerve pains, electrical shocks through my body.

I read all over the internet about people getting this and being gravely ill for a year, or years. I then developed panic attacks and anxiety. I was the sickest I’d ever been in my entire life. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get better and if not for a very long time.

But the second I decided to change my views and let my body rest and heal as it needed to, I did start to get better.

As of 99 days into it, so a week ago today, I am able to walk. I am not dancing yet, but I imagine I will be soon. ALL of my symptoms have completely disappeared. The only thing remaining is a slightly shortened achilles tendon, which is being worked on in physio and I know I will make a full recovery.

Now, in a spiritual sense, what does this all mean?

I believe I was being tested. That it was a dark night of the soul. That I needed to go through this to really fight for what I wanted in my life. To fight for life itself.

A leg injury can mean you are afraid to move forward. And while I didn’t want to readily admit I was afraid of leaving all I knew behind and embarking on a new journey and new career, of course I actually was.

But this left me wanting for it, MORE.

It taught me the ever so hard to learn PATIENCE. I had to let my body slowly heal, and my mind heal along with it, as I lay in bed nearly 24-7 for over 3 months.

I’m stubborn. Only I could have this sort of experience to make me learn lol.

But I’m glad for it. I’m thankful for it.

I needed it.

So next you’re experiencing a roadblock of some kind…ask yourself…Do I need this lesson?

 

Journey to the Dark Goddess

Two and a half months ago before I got sick, I was experimenting with intuitive painting. I had been doing this recently, and a psychic session revealed it was something that I should continue doing as it helped me tap in. Part of my spiritual awakening has been some fairly interesting encounters with psychic phenomenon, and rather than shy away from it as I may have done in the past, I delved deeper into it. 

Two weeks before i became sick, I had a day where I needed to paint SO badly my hands were shaking, something needed to get out. I cleared my space with sage and lit candles and set off to work. What came of that painting was what I realized was the dark goddess and a single eye. At the time, I had just finished my EMDR therapy  to unlock my post traumatic amnesia. I thought the painting was a reference to the dark goddess’ ability to help transform the shadow self, and felt as though I had just done that. 

Boy was I wrong. 

I have now come to a greater understanding of what this illness has meant. It was meant to bring me to the depths of my greatest fears and face them head on. The fear of not being able to dance would be the most devastating thing in the world to me. So here, I had to face it head on because I was unable to dance. 

I did not ask or invoke this. It came to me. 

The pain I endured is something that will remind me of this. A reminder again, of how precious life and vitality is. I understand that each time I have journeyed with the dark goddess I have experienced many painful times in my life, but I have come out of it a much better person having transformed my shadow self a little more. 

As soon as I realized what this illness was, and surrendered to it…I mean I literally said I let go of all outcomes in this situation…I relinquished control…I was free…

I have had almost a complete remission in my symptoms since a few days ago. 

Just like that. Like I had finally learned the lesson this was meant to bring. And I had transformed. 

Like a pheonix rising, like the warrior goddess I am, I ROSE. 

And I rise, up and up and up. 

BAM! It feels good. 

Don’t be afraid of your dark. Embrace it, transform it. Love it.