Tag Archives: lesson

Dreams.

I woke up on Halloween morning to a dream that made me cry. But although it did that I believe it was a message from my mom who passed away over 2 years ago. It isn’t the first time I’ve had dreams of her and certainly won’t be the last.

In my dream I was at a house for a family dinner although the people in the house weren’t my actual family or anyone I know. But nevertheless, I was family to them in the dream. When I turned the corner to the dining room there were two tables of people and at the smaller table towards the kitchen sat my uncle, my grandma and my grandpa all on my mom’s side of the family. My grandpa is also deceased. In the dream I immediately went to say hi and that I missed my grandma.

*backstory: I’ve had a falling out with my mom’s family since she passed away over the terms of her death not being carried out meaning I did not receive personal items..sentimental things of hers. Her family took it as  great offense and thought I was just after money and have since shunned both my brother and I from all contact and family gatherings. *

Anyways. In the dream after saying I missed my grandma to her, she responded with “but we are always here for you”. I gave her a big hug and when I let go…I was holding my mom.

I think it was my mom’s way of telling me to contact my grandma. Interesting.  Then on Saturday night I woke up at 3 in the morning with the sudden urge to search my family history. Sometimes these weird things happen to me haha.

So I got up and started doing Internet searches on my phone to see what I could find out. I was able to find info on all my grandparents last names (and maiden names) except…for my mom’s mom. Again…something I’d have to solve by contacting her. Sign # 2. Weird.

Well I am of the belief that Halloween is a special time that the veil thins between worlds.  I have always consistently had things happen on almost every one my entire life. This year was no exception. What is interesting is that it became a theme over the next couple days with sign #2.

I need to call my grandma. But I am scared because I don’t know if she will talk to me. But I really do miss her.  😦

I suppose all I can do is try.

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The spiritual meaning of illness and injury.

Exactly 106 days ago I was knocked down by a severe adverse reaction to an antibiotic I was given. It attacked my collagen in my leg causing degeneration in my tendons, ligaments and fascia, and the WORST pain I’d ever felt in my entire life. The type that makes you literally rip out your hair and want to die. Then it hit my central nervous system and gave me the worst insomnia, not sleeping for days. Then tremors, which felt like I had parkinsons’. Then nerve pains, electrical shocks through my body.

I read all over the internet about people getting this and being gravely ill for a year, or years. I then developed panic attacks and anxiety. I was the sickest I’d ever been in my entire life. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get better and if not for a very long time.

But the second I decided to change my views and let my body rest and heal as it needed to, I did start to get better.

As of 99 days into it, so a week ago today, I am able to walk. I am not dancing yet, but I imagine I will be soon. ALL of my symptoms have completely disappeared. The only thing remaining is a slightly shortened achilles tendon, which is being worked on in physio and I know I will make a full recovery.

Now, in a spiritual sense, what does this all mean?

I believe I was being tested. That it was a dark night of the soul. That I needed to go through this to really fight for what I wanted in my life. To fight for life itself.

A leg injury can mean you are afraid to move forward. And while I didn’t want to readily admit I was afraid of leaving all I knew behind and embarking on a new journey and new career, of course I actually was.

But this left me wanting for it, MORE.

It taught me the ever so hard to learn PATIENCE. I had to let my body slowly heal, and my mind heal along with it, as I lay in bed nearly 24-7 for over 3 months.

I’m stubborn. Only I could have this sort of experience to make me learn lol.

But I’m glad for it. I’m thankful for it.

I needed it.

So next you’re experiencing a roadblock of some kind…ask yourself…Do I need this lesson?

 

Journey to the Dark Goddess

Two and a half months ago before I got sick, I was experimenting with intuitive painting. I had been doing this recently, and a psychic session revealed it was something that I should continue doing as it helped me tap in. Part of my spiritual awakening has been some fairly interesting encounters with psychic phenomenon, and rather than shy away from it as I may have done in the past, I delved deeper into it. 

Two weeks before i became sick, I had a day where I needed to paint SO badly my hands were shaking, something needed to get out. I cleared my space with sage and lit candles and set off to work. What came of that painting was what I realized was the dark goddess and a single eye. At the time, I had just finished my EMDR therapy  to unlock my post traumatic amnesia. I thought the painting was a reference to the dark goddess’ ability to help transform the shadow self, and felt as though I had just done that. 

Boy was I wrong. 

I have now come to a greater understanding of what this illness has meant. It was meant to bring me to the depths of my greatest fears and face them head on. The fear of not being able to dance would be the most devastating thing in the world to me. So here, I had to face it head on because I was unable to dance. 

I did not ask or invoke this. It came to me. 

The pain I endured is something that will remind me of this. A reminder again, of how precious life and vitality is. I understand that each time I have journeyed with the dark goddess I have experienced many painful times in my life, but I have come out of it a much better person having transformed my shadow self a little more. 

As soon as I realized what this illness was, and surrendered to it…I mean I literally said I let go of all outcomes in this situation…I relinquished control…I was free…

I have had almost a complete remission in my symptoms since a few days ago. 

Just like that. Like I had finally learned the lesson this was meant to bring. And I had transformed. 

Like a pheonix rising, like the warrior goddess I am, I ROSE. 

And I rise, up and up and up. 

BAM! It feels good. 

Don’t be afraid of your dark. Embrace it, transform it. Love it. 

Remembrance.

It’s been 20 days since this entire ordeal of health issues started and I am happy to report that I have finally had two days in a row where I haven’t needed any pain medication. That’s definitely a jump up from anything that has previously been happening. So what changed? Why the sudden turn around?

I stopped feeling sorry for myself and letting fear take hold. 

I’m a really really positive person normally and I became a person I didn’t like the last two weeks. I KNEW that if I kept my mood up that it would help me, but I just couldn’t see any way out through blinding pain. I was in crisis mode. I was scared of what was happening to my body. How long it would take to get back dancing. How long it would be until a doctor could help me. 

After a long talk with a friend of mine, yesterday morning I decided to call in my spirit guides and surrender to what was. To surrender my fear. To surrender my anxiety. To let the Universe take hold of where my health was at and help me heal. And I started feeling better. 

In the last two days I haven’t let my fear take hold and have instead been trying to help my body heal with tons of rest. 

Sometimes, we have bad days, or trying times in our lives. We have to be gentle with ourselves and others. 

And I need to remember that more power and beauty lies in my own heart and soul than I choose to use in times of crisis. I have the ability to heal my mind and my soul and my heart. I really need to just do that. 

That was my lesson this week. Trust, surrender, let go and use your power.