As I sit on the eve of my first Saturn Return I am catching myself wondering about what it means to have grown. I look back on my childish behavior and life over the last ten years and wonder is this what it feels like to have finally grown up?
Certainly it was chock full of growing pains and heartache. I have been put through the ringer the last few years and I wonder what Saturn has in store for me. I know there is more to come.
But what has happened through this year is a great slow down. Partially because of my illness and partially because I made a conscious choice to stop living a childish existence.
I left behind a life I could still be living. A very public spotlight. Performing in front of thousands of people in hundreds of shows a year. But there was a dark side to it as well. It was an ego driven thing. Sure. I love dance. But I loved being loved. And have spent the majority of my life looking for it in all the wrong places. I didn’t love myself. I loved the image I projected. But that image no longer exists. Getting sick took care of that.
And then I slowly undid the doings of my life as I deleted social media profiles and cut the unnecessary people out of my life. The people who only knew the face I put on.
What I’m really stuck on is where I fit into the world now.
I long to find my tribe.
I have experienced so many strange unusual spiritual paranormal things over the last 3 years that I have a hard time connecting with lots of people.
What a strange place to be. Standing at the precipice of adulthood. No longer fitting in the old child like ways. But still not quite there.
Saturn. I think I’m ready for you. 😉
The universe just showed this video to me :
The Innovation of Loneliness: http://youtu.be/c6Bkr_udado