These last couple weeks, heck even the last couple months I have been helping friends through the potential losses of their parents. One of my closest friend’s parent died this past week.
At the same time, I’ve had several friends have babies this past couple weeks.
It kind of reminded me of the circle of life, how each death becomes a rebirth. How when we leave this dimension of existence, we just pass through a veil to the other spiritual realm. And birth is coming back from that realm to live and learn more.
When I lost my mom I had 4 years to prepare to lose her. With ALS, you know that they will eventually die. I always said it was worse than having a cancer diagnosis. At least you can try chemo, radiation or alternative treatments with cancer. It used to make me really angry, too. But when the day came that I had to say goodbye, and I watched her die in front of me, I still collapsed to the floor.
Of course we will be sad when we lose that physical connection to our loved one. But that really just is not the end. I’ve had so many experiences that have shown me that my mom is still around. I may not be able to pick up the phone and call her like I want to. But I still “talk” to her, albeit in a different way.
I know, that learning to pick my collapsed self up off the floor came with a great understanding of the cycle of life. An understanding I try to impart to those willing to listen. I can’t make someone believe me, but I can offer my help if needed.
That, has become part of my journey.
A part, I am very honored to give.
Since July I’ve been living in a haze. My life stood still. I stopped working. I stopped keeping up relationships. I stopped keeping up friendships. I just literally stopped living. I lost interest in everything. I fell into drugs and alcohol again, even though trying to keep my head above water.
I wouldn’t say I was in a depression, but I most certainly was experiencing a serious bout of grief and loss. I started therapy again, only to give up after 2 sessions. I was offered a job, but backed out saying I wasn’t ready to go back yet. I even stopped doing the healthy things I needed for myself, like aromatherapy steams and sauna. I literally just stopped everything altogether.
I layed in bed most days barely eating, unable to get up.
When my mom passed away, I thought I was dealing with it pretty well. I kept myself together, and then another person died, then two others. I’m not sure whether my slump lately has been because of my mom’s death or the unbearable amount of losses in one short amount of time.
I’m not really sure what to do right now. I feel like maybe if I go back to work part time I’d start to ease myself back into life again. Another part of me thinks I need to be in some sort of inpatient program. Because of all this lately, and because of my past issues. That I really need to buckle down and figure this out.
I don’t know. I’m not sad really, I’m not upset. I’m just….lost.
And there are reasons for this. In July my mom became very ill and I had to move back to my hometown to be with her. I spent the last 10 days of her life with her in a hospice. I slept beside her, I chased the monsters away, I watched her as she slept and slowly slipped away from us. On July 26th my mom passed away, in a very powerful moment with those closest to her, around her.
4 days later, a close friend of mine lost her father. Who was a man I also knew.
10 days ago, I lost two friends in one day. One to a collision, one to murder.
Frankly, it’s been almost too much to bear. I am starting up therapy again this week, because I had to cut my EMDR therapy short when I moved home. And because I’ve been left feeling quite lost in life after everything that has happened.
This is me checking back in, and saying I’ll be updating again. Because when things get real tough, this is a good outlet.
Lots of love sent out. ❤