Tag Archives: lost

Adulthood?

image

As I sit on the eve of my first Saturn Return I am catching myself wondering about what it means to have grown.  I look back on my childish behavior and life over the last ten years and wonder is this what it feels like to have finally grown up? 

Certainly it was chock full of growing pains and heartache. I have been put through the ringer the last few years and I wonder what Saturn has in store for me. I know there is more to come. 

But what has happened through this year is a great slow down.  Partially because of my illness and partially because I made a conscious choice to stop living a childish existence. 

I left behind a life I could still be living.  A very public spotlight.  Performing in front of thousands of people in hundreds of shows a year. But there was a dark side to it as well. It was an ego driven thing.  Sure.  I love dance. But I loved being loved.  And have spent the majority of my life looking for it in all the wrong places.  I didn’t love myself.  I loved the image I projected. But that image no longer exists.  Getting sick took care of that. 

And then I slowly undid the doings of my life as I deleted social media profiles and cut the unnecessary people out of my life.  The people who only knew the face I put on. 

What I’m really stuck on is where I fit into the world now. 

I long to find my tribe.

I have experienced so many strange unusual spiritual paranormal things over the last 3 years that I have a hard time connecting with lots of people.

What a strange place to be.  Standing at the precipice of adulthood. No longer fitting in the old child like ways.  But still not quite there. 

Saturn.  I think I’m ready for you. 😉

And edit:

The universe just showed this video to me :
The Innovation of Loneliness: http://youtu.be/c6Bkr_udado

Weird

Time stood still.

Since July I’ve been living in a haze. My life stood still. I stopped working. I stopped keeping up relationships. I stopped keeping up friendships. I just literally stopped living. I lost interest in everything. I fell into drugs and alcohol again, even though trying to keep my head above water.

I wouldn’t say I was in a depression, but I most certainly was experiencing a serious bout of grief and loss. I started therapy again, only to give up after 2 sessions. I was offered a job, but backed out saying I wasn’t ready to go back yet. I even stopped doing the healthy things I needed for myself, like aromatherapy steams and sauna. I literally just stopped everything altogether.

I layed in bed most days barely eating, unable to get up.

When my mom passed away, I thought I was dealing with it pretty well. I kept myself together, and then another person died, then two others. I’m not sure whether my slump lately has been because of my mom’s death or the unbearable amount of losses in one short amount of time.

I’m not really sure what to do right now. I feel like maybe if I go back to work part time I’d start to ease myself back into life again. Another part of me thinks I need to be in some sort of inpatient program. Because of all this lately, and because of my past issues. That I really need to buckle down and figure this out.

I don’t know. I’m not sad really, I’m not upset. I’m just….lost.

Suggestions?