Tag Archives: mental health

Calling someone crazy…

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If you don’t understand then you should probably try.

I didn’t choose to have a mental illness.  Experiences and bad people in this world took my usual cheerful self away from me. It’s taken over 20 years to peel back the painful and deep layers of my psyche.
Most days I feel as though I have come over the hill. That I’ve climbed far enough out of the depths to be considered “well”. That I don’t need to label myself with complex post traumatic stress disorder anymore.

But people in my life continue to do so from time to time. I can’t change opinions.  But I wish that instead of labeling and putting stigma on mental illness that people would understand that we are all just human. Maybe just a little broken.

The steps I have had to walk each and every day since a child have been arduous and excruciating. Don’t label me when you don’t know my path.

I think, it’s a damn miracle that some of us even get out of it. I certainly could have stayed where I was…drowning in pain.

I had grown accustomed to anger. I enjoyed it even. It felt safe. And warm. Natural. That’s because a long time ago things of innocence were stolen from me. Things I can’t ever replace but have learned to heal.

Even these days I would say that I struggle with anger. Of how to express it properly. But also fear of being labeled “crazy” for speaking my mind and getting upset for a damn good reason. 

I don’t know that I’m fully where I need to be yet.

But.

Every day. I wake up and I TRY.  I keep my mind focused on moving through my pain and darkness and transmuting it.

I try to keep myself balanced and whole.

Some days I struggle.  Some days I am not proud of how I handle situations.

But I get back up.

And I try.

So if you don’t understand. 

Ask.

Don’t label.

You may learn something.

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They Don’t Understand

As someone who has been down that road this year and fighting my way out all while trying to educate my friends and family on floxing I feel this post..big time.

Floxie Hope

forgiveness

It may be impossible for anyone who has not experienced fluoroquinolone toxicity to understand what it’s like.

It’s difficult for the person who is going through fluoroquinolone toxicity to explain that EVERYTHING is going wrong; and it is even more difficult for those around them to understand.

It’s beyond most people’s comprehension that a commonly prescribed antibiotic, maybe one that they themselves have taken, can cause debilitating pain, exhaustion, loss of mental capacity, inability to move, etc. in their formerly healthy loved one.  Most people think that antibiotics are benign, so they are unable to understand that an antibiotic destroyed the health of their spouse, friend, child, parent, etc.  They think, “it must be something else,” or “the drug should be out of your system by now,” or, simply, “what are you talking about?!” when you tell them that all of your health problems can be traced back to the…

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Lessons.

Where is the answer when you lose your place, 
Caught in never never land,
Abadoned to your own devices, 
Blinded by your own pain.

What if you can’t keep climbing?
What if the stumble is part of the dance,
A sign of what you left untouched, 
And unhealed. 

A piece of the puzzle that wasn’t put in. 
A part of the journey that you were too blind to see before. 

And the moon illuminated it, 
ever so painful and hard to learn. 

What must one do with that knowledge now?
GROW

 

 

It’s been almost 7 weeks since this health ordeal began and through it, I’ve had many ups and downs. I realized that my mental health had taken a beating once again. Have I fallen deep into the path of C-PTSD again? No. But I did realize I have anxiety issues that were likely concurrent with the C-PTSD, and now I have a chance to deal with them. Maybe they were masked by other issues, and I’m just peeling away layers to get to the real me. 

As I’ve been going through this I remembered hearing about people who went through spiritual awakenings and thought they have conquered the last battle, only to be thrown into another out of nowhere to help them learn and heal some more. I believe that this is what is happening to me. Like the Universe is nu uh…you’re not done yet, dig DEEP. DEEPER. Keep going…

So now I dig some more. I’ve always been a “worrier”, someone who doesn’t like to be out of the comfort zone unless I”m doing it purposely. But as a child I remember being painfully shy, awkward socially. I’ve learned to get over it for the most part, but the anxiety remained. 

Now, with the health issues I’ve been having, anxiety has surged to the surface once again. Seemingly out of nowhere. Yes I have lots of be concerned about because this is a scary thing I’m going through. But the constant tremors and panic attacks that have taken over my existence the last couple weeks is something I’ve never experienced. 

Perhaps, I needed to be pushed through a situation that brought this to the surface and illuminated it so I could once again delve deep inside and fix it. I feel that’s what is happening right now. 

And I won’t get better until I get a handle on this. Until I heal it, and grow from it.