Tag Archives: mom

Missing my mom.

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been very very busy working a lot.

Pregnancy is going well, I will be 17 weeks tomorrow and we find out the gender in two weeks! I am so hoping for a girl. 🙂

Part of me feels as though I have been waiting for this baby for a long time. When I was 17 I got pregnant. I chose to have an abortion at that time. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Oddly, that was the year of the sheep, and so is this year. Another strange similarity is that the man I was seeing back  then and the one I am seeing now are both Aries. As is my mom, who passed away. When I had the abortion she found out after I had already done it….she told me she wished I hadn’t. That she would have helped me.

Now I feel as though this baby has been a long time coming, and will have a connection to my mom in spirit.

I have had a girl’s name picked out since back then, 12 years ago as well.

But part of me thinks I hope it’s a girl because I want to have the mother-daughter connection, and in some ways it will bring me closer to my own mom.

Some days I just get overwhelmed with sadness that’s she not here to experience this life changing event with me. I have to remind myself that she is always around, but, it’s just not the same. I long to talk to her, to see her, to feel her.

Sometimes I get scared too. Like what if I don’t know how to do something and I can’t call her? Who will I call when the baby takes their first steps? Why shouldn’t she be the first call?

I miss her. My heart aches for my mom. I wish I could just curl up in her arms again. 😦

Dreams.

I woke up on Halloween morning to a dream that made me cry. But although it did that I believe it was a message from my mom who passed away over 2 years ago. It isn’t the first time I’ve had dreams of her and certainly won’t be the last.

In my dream I was at a house for a family dinner although the people in the house weren’t my actual family or anyone I know. But nevertheless, I was family to them in the dream. When I turned the corner to the dining room there were two tables of people and at the smaller table towards the kitchen sat my uncle, my grandma and my grandpa all on my mom’s side of the family. My grandpa is also deceased. In the dream I immediately went to say hi and that I missed my grandma.

*backstory: I’ve had a falling out with my mom’s family since she passed away over the terms of her death not being carried out meaning I did not receive personal items..sentimental things of hers. Her family took it as  great offense and thought I was just after money and have since shunned both my brother and I from all contact and family gatherings. *

Anyways. In the dream after saying I missed my grandma to her, she responded with “but we are always here for you”. I gave her a big hug and when I let go…I was holding my mom.

I think it was my mom’s way of telling me to contact my grandma. Interesting.  Then on Saturday night I woke up at 3 in the morning with the sudden urge to search my family history. Sometimes these weird things happen to me haha.

So I got up and started doing Internet searches on my phone to see what I could find out. I was able to find info on all my grandparents last names (and maiden names) except…for my mom’s mom. Again…something I’d have to solve by contacting her. Sign # 2. Weird.

Well I am of the belief that Halloween is a special time that the veil thins between worlds.  I have always consistently had things happen on almost every one my entire life. This year was no exception. What is interesting is that it became a theme over the next couple days with sign #2.

I need to call my grandma. But I am scared because I don’t know if she will talk to me. But I really do miss her.  😦

I suppose all I can do is try.

Death, Birth, and Rebirth

These last couple weeks, heck even the last couple months I have been helping friends through the potential losses of their parents. One of my closest friend’s parent died this past week. 

At the same time, I’ve had several friends have babies this past couple weeks. 

It kind of reminded me of the circle of life, how each death becomes a rebirth. How when we leave this dimension of existence, we just pass through a veil to the other spiritual realm. And birth is coming back from that realm to live and learn more. 

When I lost my mom I had 4 years to prepare to lose her. With ALS, you know that they will eventually die. I always said it was worse than having a cancer diagnosis. At least you can try chemo, radiation or alternative treatments with cancer. It used to make me really angry, too. But when the day came that I had to say goodbye, and I watched her die in front of me, I still collapsed to the floor. 

Of course we will be sad when we lose that physical connection to our loved one. But that really just is not the end. I’ve had so many experiences that have shown me that my mom is still around. I may not be able to pick up the phone and call her like I want to. But I still “talk” to her, albeit in a different way. 

I know, that learning to pick my collapsed self up off the floor came with a great understanding of the cycle of life. An understanding I try to impart to those willing to listen. I can’t make someone believe me, but I can offer my help if needed. 

That, has become part of my journey. 

A part, I am very honored to give.