Tag Archives: Psychology

The Seed.

C-PTSD.

The words jumped out the screen at me. I never knew the answer to all my life’s questions could be answered in 5 little words and a hyphen.

How incredibly mind blowing my journey has been. To have answers, to have truth. To be TRUTH.

Owning up to my journey and the battles has been incredibly healing in and of itself. When I began to talk about my mental illness, I realized I was NOT alone. That many struggle with mental illness as well and even if they don’t, they are receptive and loving. They are there.

I feel like I went my whole life feeling as though I was alone. That nobody understood me. That I was shameful. That I was wrong. That I was a bad person. That I couldn’t expose my true self to others or I would be shunned.

I wanted so much to be accepted and loved, that I accepted far less than I was worth and didn’t feel that I deserved more.

The turning point began several years ago when a friend gave me a copy of the book The Secret. I didn’t know it then, but that book would give me skills that I would later find very useful in my healing of C-PTSD. The book teaches you to take your negative inner talk and stop it, and change it into positive inner talk. This is imperative in my situation as negative inner talk is a lot of what makes me tick. Anxiety, low self esteem, fear…these things all plagued my life. I started learning to change my inner thoughts and my life started to change radically. I continued this throughout the last few years and it’s led to an inner light that I can keep shining if I work at it. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when I finally googled “complex post traumatic stress disorder”. To believe I had gone the last two years since my diagnosis thinking it was just a complex form of PTSD! What I read was eyeopening! It was me to a T!

What beautiful words they were. I could imagine myself in an instant reading the symptoms of C-PTSD! It was a complete revelation and since then, I’ve been thirsting for more and more knowledge of it. And connecting so many dots on a superhuman level.

I began talking openly with my friends about it. I began to understand myself better and what it was going to take to get a handle on this. I can’t believe I left my life in such shambles for so long when there was help out there! I just thought I was nuts!

My words of advice? Do not be afraid. Shine. And if you can’t shine, crawl towards the light until you can. You will never do anything more beautiful in your life for yourself. There’s hope. J

Much love. ❤

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Meditation today.

I am quite bothered by some things today, so it`s been difficult to focus.

One thing that is bothering me is that my friend has been missing for almost two months. They have found a body near his house in the last day and it is as of yet, unidentified. There`s so much more to this, but I have resolved myself not to dwell on it. I can only take things one day at a time, or I get overwhelmed.

Secondly, I have put my worry onto D for far too long. I should only be worrying about myself. Not anyone else.

But if you see my previous post, this is something that I really really struggle with. Not worrying.

So I remembered a piece of advice I heard from a friend the other day. She told me that she met a woman who every day would send out her love to George Bush…now, she asked this woman `why on earth would you do that`and her answer was that he needs love just like you and everyone else. So she then began a practice of sending love to people she didn`t like.

Not that I don`t like anyone, but today I decided to focus my attention in meditation on sending love and healing towards D, my friend who is missing, and my mom who is sick.

I imagined them wrapped up in a soft cocoon of light and love and healing. Then I asked the universe to take my pain and transfer it into healing and love. The visualization helps me work through the worry and pain that I am feeling, while using the energy in a positive way.

I feel a bit lighter. I`m going to meditate later again, but this time in the process my therapist has set out for me since session two. I needed to bring myself to a calmer place before attempting that today.

Learning is fun. 🙂

Session Two.

Had a really good weekend. Went out dancing. Had only one drink. (quite proud of myself) Had a minor anxiety attack. Sometimes I just feel like everyone in the place is watching me and judging. Got over it though. Just stepped out of the situation for a few minutes.

Session two was today. We began with finding the safe place again. And focusing on breathing. Then I was instructed to remember some recent situations that bothered me and to figure out where those feelings went in my physical body. I discovered that I felt it in the following ways:

Eyes squint off and on

Hands sort of clench

Teeth clench

Toes curl

I get vibrations or trembles through my body

My stomach gets in knots

 

When we inspected a more troubling recent memory, my whole right side of my back and my right arm tensed up, hurt and then went numb.

What I then did is focus my breathing on those areas as they come up. Not trying to change them, but listening to my body and breathing through it.

She said that my body is telling me something and that when we block our body’s reaction to trauma it gets stuck. So letting my body go through those things in a safe environment is key.

I feel a little lighter today. 🙂

Bless.

Session One.

We began the first of many sessions by doing some guided visions. I was asked to focus on my breathing, and watch it, hear it. Then to imagine a couple different “safe” places. Then to combine the safe scenarios into one super safe place.

For the first time in months I was able to focus and RELAX. It feels amazing.

My homework is to continuing going to this place in meditation every day until my next appointment. And if a stressful situation comes up, I am supposed to see if I can catch a glimpse of that place. If not, bring the situation into my thoughts when I’m in that safe place, and deal with it there.

I know this is something I’m going to have to work at, and hard. But I’m committed.

On another note…

D and I. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. We’ve been staying mostly apart. I’ve been wishing so badly that he was here, but after my session today I think I am seeing a bit clearer. We both must be in a healthy safe loving place in order for things to work. And he has his own work to do. So I am ok with being apart. I have to trust that love has it’s way of working things out. And it will be ok. 🙂