Tag Archives: PTSD

Calling someone crazy…

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If you don’t understand then you should probably try.

I didn’t choose to have a mental illness.  Experiences and bad people in this world took my usual cheerful self away from me. It’s taken over 20 years to peel back the painful and deep layers of my psyche.
Most days I feel as though I have come over the hill. That I’ve climbed far enough out of the depths to be considered “well”. That I don’t need to label myself with complex post traumatic stress disorder anymore.

But people in my life continue to do so from time to time. I can’t change opinions.  But I wish that instead of labeling and putting stigma on mental illness that people would understand that we are all just human. Maybe just a little broken.

The steps I have had to walk each and every day since a child have been arduous and excruciating. Don’t label me when you don’t know my path.

I think, it’s a damn miracle that some of us even get out of it. I certainly could have stayed where I was…drowning in pain.

I had grown accustomed to anger. I enjoyed it even. It felt safe. And warm. Natural. That’s because a long time ago things of innocence were stolen from me. Things I can’t ever replace but have learned to heal.

Even these days I would say that I struggle with anger. Of how to express it properly. But also fear of being labeled “crazy” for speaking my mind and getting upset for a damn good reason. 

I don’t know that I’m fully where I need to be yet.

But.

Every day. I wake up and I TRY.  I keep my mind focused on moving through my pain and darkness and transmuting it.

I try to keep myself balanced and whole.

Some days I struggle.  Some days I am not proud of how I handle situations.

But I get back up.

And I try.

So if you don’t understand. 

Ask.

Don’t label.

You may learn something.

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Journey to the Dark Goddess

Two and a half months ago before I got sick, I was experimenting with intuitive painting. I had been doing this recently, and a psychic session revealed it was something that I should continue doing as it helped me tap in. Part of my spiritual awakening has been some fairly interesting encounters with psychic phenomenon, and rather than shy away from it as I may have done in the past, I delved deeper into it. 

Two weeks before i became sick, I had a day where I needed to paint SO badly my hands were shaking, something needed to get out. I cleared my space with sage and lit candles and set off to work. What came of that painting was what I realized was the dark goddess and a single eye. At the time, I had just finished my EMDR therapy  to unlock my post traumatic amnesia. I thought the painting was a reference to the dark goddess’ ability to help transform the shadow self, and felt as though I had just done that. 

Boy was I wrong. 

I have now come to a greater understanding of what this illness has meant. It was meant to bring me to the depths of my greatest fears and face them head on. The fear of not being able to dance would be the most devastating thing in the world to me. So here, I had to face it head on because I was unable to dance. 

I did not ask or invoke this. It came to me. 

The pain I endured is something that will remind me of this. A reminder again, of how precious life and vitality is. I understand that each time I have journeyed with the dark goddess I have experienced many painful times in my life, but I have come out of it a much better person having transformed my shadow self a little more. 

As soon as I realized what this illness was, and surrendered to it…I mean I literally said I let go of all outcomes in this situation…I relinquished control…I was free…

I have had almost a complete remission in my symptoms since a few days ago. 

Just like that. Like I had finally learned the lesson this was meant to bring. And I had transformed. 

Like a pheonix rising, like the warrior goddess I am, I ROSE. 

And I rise, up and up and up. 

BAM! It feels good. 

Don’t be afraid of your dark. Embrace it, transform it. Love it. 

EMDR is DONE!

Yesterday was my last EMDR appointment…hopefully forever! 

We tried to access the memory and literally nothing was coming up. No body sensations, no words, no feelings. Just fully processed through. 

I AM FREE! 

I can’t believe what an incredible transformation my life has gone through over the last two years, in the last 6 months, in the last 6 weeks. 

Life really does fall into place once you set free all the blocks you need to. 

Forever Grateful,

T ❤

Sleep Disturbed.

Bah. I write this after two nights of the most restless sleep I have ever had in my life. I have never had trouble with sleep at all.

That EMDR session on Thursday seems to have stirred up some stuff. First night, I slept 2 hours, then 2.5, then 2. 

Last night, 4, 2, up for over 2 hours, then 2. 

In addition to this, I’ve been bursting out crying randomly. 

I know this is part of the process but I feel like my mind and body are being put through the wringer right now. Here’s hoping it slows down tonight some more. 

Random Thoughts.

When I was younger, I began writing my life story. From a very young age I felt my journey was to be something I could share and help others with. Boy was I wildly off at that point. So many more things have happened after the last two years. 

Through unimaginable pain and losing no less than 7 people in 2012, to spontaneously setting off a spiritual awakening through those deaths, to becoming someone other people come to for advice, to FINALLY unlocking my amnesia and freeing myself of C-PTSD..what a ride it’s been. 

So now it’s got me thinking again, should I document this in great detail. Should I start that book again? 

And also, people have been coming to me a lot with sick parents, asking me how I seemed to have floated through the passing of my mom…and believe me, the deaths taught me A LOT about how to deal. Maybe I can start by writing about that. 

BREAKTHROUGH!!!

Last week in my EMDR we focused specifically on the rape. I was getting body memories coming up….tons of them. It left me quite open and not feeling like myself. The past week I have been having a hard time staying asleep feeling quite agigated. I did a reiki session to get the energy flowing properly, and today I could feel energy moving around in my chest and chin and I thought it was anxiety until right before my session when the energy then centred around my third eye chakra. I went into my session feeling that energy moving in a circle on my brow. This time, I started to remember or “know” what happened after the rape. Then literally all of a sudden I KNEW everything. I didn’t get a flashback but I was putting all the pieces together! Then, came the anger….oh the anger. Then a feeling of being nauseous. We left it at the anger. My therapist said to go home and get that anger out in a positive way, so I’m writing this and I’m going to do some painting. When we were ending the session and going into my safe place I could feel my mom with me. I think this was a day both of us were very much waiting for. And even though she’s not here physically she was most definitely there with me today. 

 

End result? I AM SOOOOOOO HAPPY! I finally had the breakthrough I had been waiting for, for 20 years! YIPPEE!

 

🙂

Flashback.

Through my entire experience dealing with C-PTSD I only had what I could recognize as emotional flashbacks, or upheavals of emotion out of nowhere. 

This morning, upon awakening, I had what I would consider my first real memory flashback. It’s not a memory that I had forgotten, so it must have been sometime after the rape, but very close to it. I think I’m closing in on that time in my life. 

I became overwhelmed with thoughts of this particular incident that happened probably around the age of 7, my brother was still in a stroller, so that’s how I’m gauging my timing. A man was following my mom, my brother in the stroller and me walking beside. In our neighborhood he followed us almost home. I remember him knowing I saw him and flashing a gun. All these thoughts came pouring into my mind all at once this morning. 

What is interesting is what I did next. I started using EMDR on myself. I moved my eyes back and forth, side to side, as I envisioned myself running away to safety and telling myself I am safe and breathing through it. It passed. 

I knew I may have flashbacks after my last session but I thought they’d be in regards to the rape. This wasn’t but it was very very close to that time in my life. I’m closing in on it. It’s starting to come out and heal. Whoa. 

I am stoked on this development. YAY! 🙂

 

Updates.

I have been ever so busy, with my therapy, with the holidays, with a new man in my life and I needed some time to process all that happened. 

My EMDR has been hugely successful this time around. I am doing a different type, instead of eye movements we use these buzzing things that go in each hand and buzz back and forth. This type of EMDR has proven to be much  more successful for me to bring up stuff. 

I started healing my connections to my dad and my young life, my parent’s divorce. It must have done something because when I was invited for Christmas with my dad and stepmom I didn’t make excuses this time, I actually went! That trip didn’t go exactly as planned, but I did go there to reconnect with my dad, and I DID do that! Progress! 

Today, we focused on my rape. I was able to bring up the body memories of it, although not yet have I brought up any words or memories. I was overloaded with body memories today however. Clenching, tight muscles, headache, unable to breathe, shaky, anxiety, twitching muscles…a whole gamut of things. At the end of my session, we left things open, safely. So in other words I may have flashbacks or dreams about it over the next week until my next session. When I left there I felt weird, as though my eyes were opened a little more, that I was seeing more of the world. Like a part of me had been awakened? My child self? 

I set up a reiki appointment for Saturday, because now that the memory has been opened a little it’s probably a good time to do some energetic healing. 

I am excited for this new development. To even have just the body memories from a memory I’ve had locked away for 20 years is nothing short of amazing! I am so excited to see where this takes me and to finally…heal this. ❤

Breakthroughs.

I’ve been doing some chakra meditation and healing specifically related to my past sexual trauma. Interestingly enough, I had spider fall right in my face the next day. Spiders are represented by creative feminine energy. This is blocked when you have a blocked sacral and solar plexus chakra as I do. The very fact that I wasn’t afraid of it shows me that I have been releasing that from myself. 

I also put two and two together in relation to the back and forth abnormal pap tests I’ve had for years. As I’ve been harboring so much pain from my past in those areas of my body, I have created dis-ease. 

Healing myself through meditation and visualizations is becoming a daily ritual in my life. I’ve been doing daily if not twice daily energy cleansing on myself for weeks now, and I feel amazing after I do so. Now, I am taking what I’ve learned and directing it specifically to the chakras and points of resistance in myself, opening up waves of energy to flow freely. 

I am healing myself. We all have this amazing ability to heal our own body, mind and soul. Remembering that, is taking us back to where we belong in this universe. To who and what we truly are. 

I remember, who and what I am. And even though I may never have the memories from my early childhood back, I have been able to somewhat bypass that and find my true soul nature anyways. And in the process I’ve healed a lot of the wounds myself. 

There is still lots of work to do but I know I’m SO on the right path. 

I am in love with life. 

I am in love with my progress. 

I am in love with the beauty I see all around me. 

I am in love with who I am. 

I remember. 

Energy Experiment Number One : Results + Intro of Energy Experiment Number Two

Ok so, the results are in for experiment one:

An hour after I made the intention, I was gifted with a painting, that strangely enough, looks like a portal. hah. 

I thought I was done an hour after I began, but another big blessing in disguise came just before the deadline. 

After trying hypnotherapy and learning I am not able to be hypnotized, I’ve been waiting the last two weeks to be moved to an EMDR therapist. Yesterday an hour before the deadline, I got an email from the hypnotherapist that basically said, “the EMDR therapist has reviewed your case and doesn’t think you’re a good fit. We wish you the best.” So well, given a history of abandonment and feeling rejected, this set off an emotional flashback. I was MAD. I was SAD. Then I started looking elsewhere at private therapists, only to realize that my costs were going to double if not triple. SAD 😦 So in that moment I decided to again look at my health spending account. Low and behold, therapy IS covered…haha. So, not only can I pay for a new therapist and make sure I find a great one, but, I also get hundreds of dollars in back pay from my insurance. How’s that for a blessing? Thanks Universe. 

 

Experiment Two. 

This experiment is broken into two 24 hour periods. The first is try to attract a specific color of car. I chose green, because well it’s not that common here. 

Results: I saw no less than 23 green vehicles on my way home from work. A 5 min bus ride. Literally saw one every 10 seconds or so at some points. So I’m going to keep counting my way through til tomorrow afternoon and report back. 

 

Oh ya! YAYYYY for searching and finding a great EMDR therapist right away too!