It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been very very busy working a lot.
Pregnancy is going well, I will be 17 weeks tomorrow and we find out the gender in two weeks! I am so hoping for a girl. 🙂
Part of me feels as though I have been waiting for this baby for a long time. When I was 17 I got pregnant. I chose to have an abortion at that time. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Oddly, that was the year of the sheep, and so is this year. Another strange similarity is that the man I was seeing back then and the one I am seeing now are both Aries. As is my mom, who passed away. When I had the abortion she found out after I had already done it….she told me she wished I hadn’t. That she would have helped me.
Now I feel as though this baby has been a long time coming, and will have a connection to my mom in spirit.
I have had a girl’s name picked out since back then, 12 years ago as well.
But part of me thinks I hope it’s a girl because I want to have the mother-daughter connection, and in some ways it will bring me closer to my own mom.
Some days I just get overwhelmed with sadness that’s she not here to experience this life changing event with me. I have to remind myself that she is always around, but, it’s just not the same. I long to talk to her, to see her, to feel her.
Sometimes I get scared too. Like what if I don’t know how to do something and I can’t call her? Who will I call when the baby takes their first steps? Why shouldn’t she be the first call?
I miss her. My heart aches for my mom. I wish I could just curl up in her arms again. 😦
I connect to the innermost parts of my heart of hearts and soul of soul.
I connect with the universe as a whole.
I connect with nature.
I connect with animals and other humans and beings.
I connect with my inner being, the divine within.
I remember, I remember.
I am burst wide open with joy and possibility.
Letting go of the ego.
Letting go of shame.
Letting go of guilt.
I WILL BE.
BECAUSE MY SOUL IS ALIVE.
AND I CAN.
As much as darkness can creep into the heart of a person with a dis-ease, a day like this sure can brighten up the sour-est mood. What a beauty!
I walked home today. Raised my face to the sun and let it’s energy pour down over me like a waterfall. I feel so at peace in the sunshine. Yay beautiful days! ❤
Since July I’ve been living in a haze. My life stood still. I stopped working. I stopped keeping up relationships. I stopped keeping up friendships. I just literally stopped living. I lost interest in everything. I fell into drugs and alcohol again, even though trying to keep my head above water.
I wouldn’t say I was in a depression, but I most certainly was experiencing a serious bout of grief and loss. I started therapy again, only to give up after 2 sessions. I was offered a job, but backed out saying I wasn’t ready to go back yet. I even stopped doing the healthy things I needed for myself, like aromatherapy steams and sauna. I literally just stopped everything altogether.
I layed in bed most days barely eating, unable to get up.
When my mom passed away, I thought I was dealing with it pretty well. I kept myself together, and then another person died, then two others. I’m not sure whether my slump lately has been because of my mom’s death or the unbearable amount of losses in one short amount of time.
I’m not really sure what to do right now. I feel like maybe if I go back to work part time I’d start to ease myself back into life again. Another part of me thinks I need to be in some sort of inpatient program. Because of all this lately, and because of my past issues. That I really need to buckle down and figure this out.
I don’t know. I’m not sad really, I’m not upset. I’m just….lost.