Tag Archives: spiritual awakening

This one is going to go weird…

So. Almost a year ago I had psychic reading done by a woman. I’d won this reading a metaphysical meet up of sorts.

I didn’t think too much of it but this woman was so bang on about so many things. One of the things that she touched on was that when I was painting it helped me channel messages from the other side.  So I took her advice and I continued to intuitively paint.

In January of this year ( so about a month after my reading) I finally cracked open my childhood amnesia and was able to heal my past using EMDR therapy.  I wrote about that in the blog. What was interesting is that the day I went to the appointment where my memories came back I had energy swirling around my third eye Chakra.  My mind was letting go and opening.  It was pretty wild. During that session I could feel my mom there with me as well. 

That was an incredibly huge day I’d been waiting 20 years for.

A few days later I had the urge to paint.
OK….not just like oh I wanted to paint. We are talking primal urge. Hands shaking like something needed to get out…NOW! 

I did as I had done before and smudged my apartment and lit incense and played calming music.

My hands were anything but calm.

What came out of this painting was an image of the dark goddess also known by many other names such as Hecate and Kali. 

At the time after just pushing through 20 years of mental illness I took this as a sign that she had helped me transmute my trauma/darkness and move forward.

I am willing to fully admit I was wrong and what I was up against was still to come.

Less than two weeks later I had fallen ill. So ill as I’d never been in my entire life. Bedridden. Excruciating pain.

You can read previous blog posts if you need a refresher on what happened. 

But. No. Hecate showed herself to me because it was time for some DEEP transition and change in life.

A dark night of the soul.

It pulled me so far deep into my psyche and grabbed out all my fears about my life and silly lies I’d told myself about who I am.

What’s also interesting to note is the fact that the illness I was struck down with isn’t something that people get better from.

What I have surmised from this is that my particular case of illness was for a reason. Once that reason had been healed…it stopped. Imagine that. Hah.

But seriously?  Did I actually predict my illness?

Must pay more attention to signs. 😉

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Dreams.

I woke up on Halloween morning to a dream that made me cry. But although it did that I believe it was a message from my mom who passed away over 2 years ago. It isn’t the first time I’ve had dreams of her and certainly won’t be the last.

In my dream I was at a house for a family dinner although the people in the house weren’t my actual family or anyone I know. But nevertheless, I was family to them in the dream. When I turned the corner to the dining room there were two tables of people and at the smaller table towards the kitchen sat my uncle, my grandma and my grandpa all on my mom’s side of the family. My grandpa is also deceased. In the dream I immediately went to say hi and that I missed my grandma.

*backstory: I’ve had a falling out with my mom’s family since she passed away over the terms of her death not being carried out meaning I did not receive personal items..sentimental things of hers. Her family took it as  great offense and thought I was just after money and have since shunned both my brother and I from all contact and family gatherings. *

Anyways. In the dream after saying I missed my grandma to her, she responded with “but we are always here for you”. I gave her a big hug and when I let go…I was holding my mom.

I think it was my mom’s way of telling me to contact my grandma. Interesting.  Then on Saturday night I woke up at 3 in the morning with the sudden urge to search my family history. Sometimes these weird things happen to me haha.

So I got up and started doing Internet searches on my phone to see what I could find out. I was able to find info on all my grandparents last names (and maiden names) except…for my mom’s mom. Again…something I’d have to solve by contacting her. Sign # 2. Weird.

Well I am of the belief that Halloween is a special time that the veil thins between worlds.  I have always consistently had things happen on almost every one my entire life. This year was no exception. What is interesting is that it became a theme over the next couple days with sign #2.

I need to call my grandma. But I am scared because I don’t know if she will talk to me. But I really do miss her.  😦

I suppose all I can do is try.

Journey to the Dark Goddess

Two and a half months ago before I got sick, I was experimenting with intuitive painting. I had been doing this recently, and a psychic session revealed it was something that I should continue doing as it helped me tap in. Part of my spiritual awakening has been some fairly interesting encounters with psychic phenomenon, and rather than shy away from it as I may have done in the past, I delved deeper into it. 

Two weeks before i became sick, I had a day where I needed to paint SO badly my hands were shaking, something needed to get out. I cleared my space with sage and lit candles and set off to work. What came of that painting was what I realized was the dark goddess and a single eye. At the time, I had just finished my EMDR therapy  to unlock my post traumatic amnesia. I thought the painting was a reference to the dark goddess’ ability to help transform the shadow self, and felt as though I had just done that. 

Boy was I wrong. 

I have now come to a greater understanding of what this illness has meant. It was meant to bring me to the depths of my greatest fears and face them head on. The fear of not being able to dance would be the most devastating thing in the world to me. So here, I had to face it head on because I was unable to dance. 

I did not ask or invoke this. It came to me. 

The pain I endured is something that will remind me of this. A reminder again, of how precious life and vitality is. I understand that each time I have journeyed with the dark goddess I have experienced many painful times in my life, but I have come out of it a much better person having transformed my shadow self a little more. 

As soon as I realized what this illness was, and surrendered to it…I mean I literally said I let go of all outcomes in this situation…I relinquished control…I was free…

I have had almost a complete remission in my symptoms since a few days ago. 

Just like that. Like I had finally learned the lesson this was meant to bring. And I had transformed. 

Like a pheonix rising, like the warrior goddess I am, I ROSE. 

And I rise, up and up and up. 

BAM! It feels good. 

Don’t be afraid of your dark. Embrace it, transform it. Love it. 

Lessons.

Where is the answer when you lose your place, 
Caught in never never land,
Abadoned to your own devices, 
Blinded by your own pain.

What if you can’t keep climbing?
What if the stumble is part of the dance,
A sign of what you left untouched, 
And unhealed. 

A piece of the puzzle that wasn’t put in. 
A part of the journey that you were too blind to see before. 

And the moon illuminated it, 
ever so painful and hard to learn. 

What must one do with that knowledge now?
GROW

 

 

It’s been almost 7 weeks since this health ordeal began and through it, I’ve had many ups and downs. I realized that my mental health had taken a beating once again. Have I fallen deep into the path of C-PTSD again? No. But I did realize I have anxiety issues that were likely concurrent with the C-PTSD, and now I have a chance to deal with them. Maybe they were masked by other issues, and I’m just peeling away layers to get to the real me. 

As I’ve been going through this I remembered hearing about people who went through spiritual awakenings and thought they have conquered the last battle, only to be thrown into another out of nowhere to help them learn and heal some more. I believe that this is what is happening to me. Like the Universe is nu uh…you’re not done yet, dig DEEP. DEEPER. Keep going…

So now I dig some more. I’ve always been a “worrier”, someone who doesn’t like to be out of the comfort zone unless I”m doing it purposely. But as a child I remember being painfully shy, awkward socially. I’ve learned to get over it for the most part, but the anxiety remained. 

Now, with the health issues I’ve been having, anxiety has surged to the surface once again. Seemingly out of nowhere. Yes I have lots of be concerned about because this is a scary thing I’m going through. But the constant tremors and panic attacks that have taken over my existence the last couple weeks is something I’ve never experienced. 

Perhaps, I needed to be pushed through a situation that brought this to the surface and illuminated it so I could once again delve deep inside and fix it. I feel that’s what is happening right now. 

And I won’t get better until I get a handle on this. Until I heal it, and grow from it. 

 

444

The number that started this journey, almost 2 years ago. 

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about 444, and felt compelled to look it up again.

Seeing 444 can mean you are entering the 4th dimension. The “symptoms” of that totally make sense for all the things I began to experience in 2012. 

What is even more interesting is what else it said. That 444 means your angels/spirit guides are very near and trying to help you, and you may even HEAR them say something to you.

I just figured out where that voice came from at 4:44 am that morning….holy crap…

Spiritual Awakening.

I have been meaning to start documenting all that has happened in my life as far as a spiritual awakening. So I suppose I will just start from the beginning and go from there.

In January of 2012, my friend went missing in Whistler, Canada. I felt very drawn to his disappearance. Two days before his body was found, I woke up at 4:44 am. I heard a woman’s voice say Mike’s dead. Things have never been the same since.

I started at that time noticing repeating numbers. I would see them mostly in the clocks around me, but I started to teach myself what they meant and to pay attention.

It was then that I started to experience synchronicity. I would meet people randomly on the street who were talking about the same things I had been thinking about.

I had an angel card reading done, and they were telling me to open up and allow it to flow through my life.

So I did.

I was still in BC, and I felt very close with nature. Very grounded. Sitting by the river in the pouring rain was amazing.

Last July, my mom’s ALS was starting to get worse, so I felt deep within I needed to come back to my hometown. My mom died 3 weeks later. I spent the last 10 days of her life with her in the hospice. She was seeing angels, and all sorts of things. I believe she was fully in this world and the next for the last few days. When she passed away, I was with her. I didn’t know that when people die, they take one last BIG breath after they die. My mom’s lung capacity was so little at that point there’s no way she could have physically taken a breath that deep. I began to understand that her soul had left her body at that point.

That night, I went to sleep and I had a dream about my mom being taken out of the hospice and put into a body bag, and she was screaming for me. She was still alive. I came to understand that perhaps I was experiencing her crossing over with her. The confusion.

The day after she died, I saw my first butterfly. I was laying on the beach (a thing she loved to do) and a butterfly landed right in front of my face.

A week later, at her funeral I received two gifts from my close friends and both had butterflies on them. I hadn’t told anyone I’d been seeing butterflies.

August turned into quite the month, with 4 more deaths. 2 on August 31st. A murder, and a car accident. Both young.

Around this time I was visited for the first time by my mom in a dream. I did not see her, but I felt her, and knew it was her and had an overwhelming sense of warm fuzzy feelings.

One of the people who died on August 31, 2012 was a girl named Amy. She was a dancer for my company. She was murdered.

On October 31st, I was visited by her. I was at a concert for one of her favorite djs and all of a sudden it was like a sonic BOOM hit me, and I could feel her there. I broke into tears in the middle of this 3000 person deep crowd. It was AMAZING. It was my first waking life visitation.

My mom continued to visit me or give me signs. I’ve had a musical jewelry box (given to me at her funeral) start playing for a minute straight without being open or wound up.

On mothers day this year, my power surged as I hit post talking about missing her.

The repeating numbers in 2013 have been a much more common, almost daily, occurence. And they started showing up in things other than clocks. A bill from the local coffee shop. $4.44. Licence plates, phone numbers.

Two months ago, my heart chakra opened. I can only describe this as a feeling of flowing moving energy and unusual heart beats for two days straight. The heart chakra helps with self acceptance and love.

It was then that I decided to start talking about my mental illness and my struggles, publicly. I began to live in my whole truth. No longer afraid to hide or be afraid of being my true self.

As of the last month, things have become more intense in my life. After talking about a side project I’m working on, I kept seeing 777 or 7777 everywhere. Which essentially means you’re on your divine life path. So I’m very excited to see where that takes me.

It’s gotten so easy to ask my guides for assistance that I just look to the sky and say show me the way, and a vehicle drove by with 2222 on it’s licence place right after.

Or, as I was walking along the river, I looked up and said Universe show me love! And looked down to see a heart shaped rock at my feet.

Recently, in the last few weeks though, things have become very strange. I’ve begun to see things that are not of this dimension. I have been seeing orgone, which is the universal life energy. A portal. My first spirit. Rainbow clouds. I was gifted a painting during my energy experiments that looks like a portal. As I believe my crown chakra is opening, I think it’s no accident that painting came into my life at that time.

Through this process I’ve met many teachers and recently I have been attracting people in my life who need assistance. To the point of them literally knocking at my door. One night as I was coming home a couple weekends ago, I saw a guy about my age, struggling to bring stuff into my building. I’d never met him before. I asked him where he was coming from, as it was 4 am. He said he had been in rehab for opiates/hydromorph for 6 weeks. Well, my intuition tells me that something wasn’t right. That night, I started seeing a specific part of my wall start to morph. At one point it looked like my friend Amy’s face was coming out of the wall. Well, I know when I feel loved ones who have passed I feel very loving and warm. This was not the case. I started experiencing frustrations in life and feeling tired alot. I picked up some sort of shape shifting entity from the addict. I have done a smudge and it is gone, but if I continue to help this person I must be careful to cleanse my energy and space.

Last week, after expressing my confusion as to where my life path is leading, a mix I was listening to, stopped itself at 3:33. That was the first time that something was deliberatly manipulated to show me something. 333 means your guides are telling you to ask them for guidance on showing your life path.

A lot of this is very new to me, but it is exciting. I am not afraid. I am open to receiving the gifts that are coming to me.

It’s a new era, and this, is just the tip of the iceberg. 😉 ❤

A week of delving within, of learning.

Where do I begin?

Two very different things have been happening over the last week.

One, I went to two different shamanic sound healing workshops.

The first, was more of a dreamlike state. I went into what I can only describe as a trance, and when I came out of it the only thought in my mind was “don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep, stay awake and aware”. I took this as my subconscious and/or spiritual guides telling me to keep on the path I am on.

The second, was more of an awakening and incorporated breathwork. I experienced tingling sensations through my head and forehead that I can only understand as charges of energy coming through me, that my nerves went haywire over. All steps on the journey of moving forward. I felt very connected to the spirit world during this one. I let go of all the pain inside that I possibly could. I felt warm hands holding mine. I felt as though my mom as there with me, and I could feel her cheek against mine.

I’ve learned that the quieter and more in focus I get, the more I am connecting to the spiritual realm. There are guides both seen and unseen that are helping me in this process and I am thirsting for more. I am thankful that I’m opening up and seeing beyond reality to the beautiful existence that we all live in, but may not see.

Next order of business. First therapy appointment. Met with my new therapist who is very good. He had me figured out just by what I was telling him. I was in tears, first appointment. Always a good sign for me as I am usually quite defensive.

I had originally requested for a therapist that specialized in EMDR as I’ve had quite a lot of growth when I was doing EMDR. However, the place I go to doesn’t have a therapist who does EMDR right now, so after talking to the therapist I met and learning he specializes in Hypnotherapy, I decided I was going to try that route. It’s the only other specialized therapy I had considered. Essentially it is doing the same thing EMDR would do, just going about it a different way.

I am interested to see if I CAN be hypnotized because of my defensive nature. But time will tell. First hypnotherapy appointment is next week. 🙂

Trusting the journey I move forward to see where the path leads. I am excited, and locked in, ready to go. Til next time, namaste! ❤

Aware.

I connect to the innermost parts of my heart of hearts and soul of soul.

The source.

I connect with the universe as a whole.

I connect with nature.

The Mother.

I connect with animals and other humans and beings.

The Family.

I connect with my inner being, the divine within.

I remember, I remember.

I am burst wide open with joy and possibility.

With love.

With joy.

With happiness.

With wisdom.

Without fear.

Without judgement.

Letting go of the ego.

Letting go of shame.

Letting go of guilt.

I AM.

I WAS.

I WILL BE.

BECAUSE MY SOUL IS ALIVE.

AND I CAN.

Namaste.

EMDR – The journey begins again

Yesterday, I re-registered myself for EMDR therapy. I needed to take a break from people in general for a bit, so I deactivated my Facebook. Unlike times when I withdraw from people because I am feeling the need to re-charge, this is different. This time, I know I need to focus on my healing. I feel so right on the path I’m on right now.

As I talked about in the video I posted below, EMDR was the one therapy that really “clicked” for me. It was a very quick progression as well. I was seeing results in as little as 3 sessions. I want nothing more than to continue that process and really focus on it.

So at least until the end of the month, this will be where I talk, where I post updates. No Facebook, no other social media. etc.

And well, that was strange, my therapist just called me as I was typing this! First appointment is next Wednesday. Not only that, but it was 4:44 pm when he called, which if you watched my video, 444 is a very significant number for me. That was crazy!

Anyways, onwards and upwards!

Coming Alive.

To be so sheltered by your own mind for so long…wears on you.

I’ve been moving head first into change lately. Owning up to who and what I am. To what I don’t want. To who I want to be.

Healing through experience. Making choices based on what my intuition and heart know is best.

For the first time in my life I’m waking up with an inner peace that I have been longing for.

I can breathe. I hold hope in my heart. I know how to get myself on track. I’m living my truth. For me. And nobody else. I’m taking it back.

Learning and growing at super sonic speeds. So so grateful for the awakening I’ve had. Opening my heart to others and letting love in for real. No longer hiding the parts of me that used to make me feel ashamed.

Life is beautiful. And the best part is there is all the time in the world to rise. To come alive. ❤