Tag Archives: therapy

Random Thoughts.

When I was younger, I began writing my life story. From a very young age I felt my journey was to be something I could share and help others with. Boy was I wildly off at that point. So many more things have happened after the last two years. 

Through unimaginable pain and losing no less than 7 people in 2012, to spontaneously setting off a spiritual awakening through those deaths, to becoming someone other people come to for advice, to FINALLY unlocking my amnesia and freeing myself of C-PTSD..what a ride it’s been. 

So now it’s got me thinking again, should I document this in great detail. Should I start that book again? 

And also, people have been coming to me a lot with sick parents, asking me how I seemed to have floated through the passing of my mom…and believe me, the deaths taught me A LOT about how to deal. Maybe I can start by writing about that. 

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Updates.

I have been ever so busy, with my therapy, with the holidays, with a new man in my life and I needed some time to process all that happened. 

My EMDR has been hugely successful this time around. I am doing a different type, instead of eye movements we use these buzzing things that go in each hand and buzz back and forth. This type of EMDR has proven to be much  more successful for me to bring up stuff. 

I started healing my connections to my dad and my young life, my parent’s divorce. It must have done something because when I was invited for Christmas with my dad and stepmom I didn’t make excuses this time, I actually went! That trip didn’t go exactly as planned, but I did go there to reconnect with my dad, and I DID do that! Progress! 

Today, we focused on my rape. I was able to bring up the body memories of it, although not yet have I brought up any words or memories. I was overloaded with body memories today however. Clenching, tight muscles, headache, unable to breathe, shaky, anxiety, twitching muscles…a whole gamut of things. At the end of my session, we left things open, safely. So in other words I may have flashbacks or dreams about it over the next week until my next session. When I left there I felt weird, as though my eyes were opened a little more, that I was seeing more of the world. Like a part of me had been awakened? My child self? 

I set up a reiki appointment for Saturday, because now that the memory has been opened a little it’s probably a good time to do some energetic healing. 

I am excited for this new development. To even have just the body memories from a memory I’ve had locked away for 20 years is nothing short of amazing! I am so excited to see where this takes me and to finally…heal this. ❤

Breakthroughs.

I’ve been doing some chakra meditation and healing specifically related to my past sexual trauma. Interestingly enough, I had spider fall right in my face the next day. Spiders are represented by creative feminine energy. This is blocked when you have a blocked sacral and solar plexus chakra as I do. The very fact that I wasn’t afraid of it shows me that I have been releasing that from myself. 

I also put two and two together in relation to the back and forth abnormal pap tests I’ve had for years. As I’ve been harboring so much pain from my past in those areas of my body, I have created dis-ease. 

Healing myself through meditation and visualizations is becoming a daily ritual in my life. I’ve been doing daily if not twice daily energy cleansing on myself for weeks now, and I feel amazing after I do so. Now, I am taking what I’ve learned and directing it specifically to the chakras and points of resistance in myself, opening up waves of energy to flow freely. 

I am healing myself. We all have this amazing ability to heal our own body, mind and soul. Remembering that, is taking us back to where we belong in this universe. To who and what we truly are. 

I remember, who and what I am. And even though I may never have the memories from my early childhood back, I have been able to somewhat bypass that and find my true soul nature anyways. And in the process I’ve healed a lot of the wounds myself. 

There is still lots of work to do but I know I’m SO on the right path. 

I am in love with life. 

I am in love with my progress. 

I am in love with the beauty I see all around me. 

I am in love with who I am. 

I remember. 

A week of delving within, of learning.

Where do I begin?

Two very different things have been happening over the last week.

One, I went to two different shamanic sound healing workshops.

The first, was more of a dreamlike state. I went into what I can only describe as a trance, and when I came out of it the only thought in my mind was “don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep, stay awake and aware”. I took this as my subconscious and/or spiritual guides telling me to keep on the path I am on.

The second, was more of an awakening and incorporated breathwork. I experienced tingling sensations through my head and forehead that I can only understand as charges of energy coming through me, that my nerves went haywire over. All steps on the journey of moving forward. I felt very connected to the spirit world during this one. I let go of all the pain inside that I possibly could. I felt warm hands holding mine. I felt as though my mom as there with me, and I could feel her cheek against mine.

I’ve learned that the quieter and more in focus I get, the more I am connecting to the spiritual realm. There are guides both seen and unseen that are helping me in this process and I am thirsting for more. I am thankful that I’m opening up and seeing beyond reality to the beautiful existence that we all live in, but may not see.

Next order of business. First therapy appointment. Met with my new therapist who is very good. He had me figured out just by what I was telling him. I was in tears, first appointment. Always a good sign for me as I am usually quite defensive.

I had originally requested for a therapist that specialized in EMDR as I’ve had quite a lot of growth when I was doing EMDR. However, the place I go to doesn’t have a therapist who does EMDR right now, so after talking to the therapist I met and learning he specializes in Hypnotherapy, I decided I was going to try that route. It’s the only other specialized therapy I had considered. Essentially it is doing the same thing EMDR would do, just going about it a different way.

I am interested to see if I CAN be hypnotized because of my defensive nature. But time will tell. First hypnotherapy appointment is next week. 🙂

Trusting the journey I move forward to see where the path leads. I am excited, and locked in, ready to go. Til next time, namaste! ❤

Sun’s coming out today, and tomorrow, and forever and ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS0XyRDDMyk

As much as darkness can creep into the heart of a person with a dis-ease, a day like this sure can brighten up the sour-est mood. What a beauty!

I walked home today. Raised my face to the sun and let it’s energy pour down over me like a waterfall. I feel so at peace in the sunshine. Yay beautiful days! ❤

EMDR – The journey begins again

Yesterday, I re-registered myself for EMDR therapy. I needed to take a break from people in general for a bit, so I deactivated my Facebook. Unlike times when I withdraw from people because I am feeling the need to re-charge, this is different. This time, I know I need to focus on my healing. I feel so right on the path I’m on right now.

As I talked about in the video I posted below, EMDR was the one therapy that really “clicked” for me. It was a very quick progression as well. I was seeing results in as little as 3 sessions. I want nothing more than to continue that process and really focus on it.

So at least until the end of the month, this will be where I talk, where I post updates. No Facebook, no other social media. etc.

And well, that was strange, my therapist just called me as I was typing this! First appointment is next Wednesday. Not only that, but it was 4:44 pm when he called, which if you watched my video, 444 is a very significant number for me. That was crazy!

Anyways, onwards and upwards!

A face to the name, and more getting really real.

This is in response to my “coming out” the other day. Talking more about what it means to have C-PTSD and life in general. It’s a long one, but I needed to talk it out. A friend of mine said something very true the other day. He told me that when we write, we “edit” our words and thoughts, but when we speak, it flows. So I let it flow. ❤

The Seed.

C-PTSD.

The words jumped out the screen at me. I never knew the answer to all my life’s questions could be answered in 5 little words and a hyphen.

How incredibly mind blowing my journey has been. To have answers, to have truth. To be TRUTH.

Owning up to my journey and the battles has been incredibly healing in and of itself. When I began to talk about my mental illness, I realized I was NOT alone. That many struggle with mental illness as well and even if they don’t, they are receptive and loving. They are there.

I feel like I went my whole life feeling as though I was alone. That nobody understood me. That I was shameful. That I was wrong. That I was a bad person. That I couldn’t expose my true self to others or I would be shunned.

I wanted so much to be accepted and loved, that I accepted far less than I was worth and didn’t feel that I deserved more.

The turning point began several years ago when a friend gave me a copy of the book The Secret. I didn’t know it then, but that book would give me skills that I would later find very useful in my healing of C-PTSD. The book teaches you to take your negative inner talk and stop it, and change it into positive inner talk. This is imperative in my situation as negative inner talk is a lot of what makes me tick. Anxiety, low self esteem, fear…these things all plagued my life. I started learning to change my inner thoughts and my life started to change radically. I continued this throughout the last few years and it’s led to an inner light that I can keep shining if I work at it. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when I finally googled “complex post traumatic stress disorder”. To believe I had gone the last two years since my diagnosis thinking it was just a complex form of PTSD! What I read was eyeopening! It was me to a T!

What beautiful words they were. I could imagine myself in an instant reading the symptoms of C-PTSD! It was a complete revelation and since then, I’ve been thirsting for more and more knowledge of it. And connecting so many dots on a superhuman level.

I began talking openly with my friends about it. I began to understand myself better and what it was going to take to get a handle on this. I can’t believe I left my life in such shambles for so long when there was help out there! I just thought I was nuts!

My words of advice? Do not be afraid. Shine. And if you can’t shine, crawl towards the light until you can. You will never do anything more beautiful in your life for yourself. There’s hope. J

Much love. ❤

Meditation today.

I am quite bothered by some things today, so it`s been difficult to focus.

One thing that is bothering me is that my friend has been missing for almost two months. They have found a body near his house in the last day and it is as of yet, unidentified. There`s so much more to this, but I have resolved myself not to dwell on it. I can only take things one day at a time, or I get overwhelmed.

Secondly, I have put my worry onto D for far too long. I should only be worrying about myself. Not anyone else.

But if you see my previous post, this is something that I really really struggle with. Not worrying.

So I remembered a piece of advice I heard from a friend the other day. She told me that she met a woman who every day would send out her love to George Bush…now, she asked this woman `why on earth would you do that`and her answer was that he needs love just like you and everyone else. So she then began a practice of sending love to people she didn`t like.

Not that I don`t like anyone, but today I decided to focus my attention in meditation on sending love and healing towards D, my friend who is missing, and my mom who is sick.

I imagined them wrapped up in a soft cocoon of light and love and healing. Then I asked the universe to take my pain and transfer it into healing and love. The visualization helps me work through the worry and pain that I am feeling, while using the energy in a positive way.

I feel a bit lighter. I`m going to meditate later again, but this time in the process my therapist has set out for me since session two. I needed to bring myself to a calmer place before attempting that today.

Learning is fun. 🙂

Session Two.

Had a really good weekend. Went out dancing. Had only one drink. (quite proud of myself) Had a minor anxiety attack. Sometimes I just feel like everyone in the place is watching me and judging. Got over it though. Just stepped out of the situation for a few minutes.

Session two was today. We began with finding the safe place again. And focusing on breathing. Then I was instructed to remember some recent situations that bothered me and to figure out where those feelings went in my physical body. I discovered that I felt it in the following ways:

Eyes squint off and on

Hands sort of clench

Teeth clench

Toes curl

I get vibrations or trembles through my body

My stomach gets in knots

 

When we inspected a more troubling recent memory, my whole right side of my back and my right arm tensed up, hurt and then went numb.

What I then did is focus my breathing on those areas as they come up. Not trying to change them, but listening to my body and breathing through it.

She said that my body is telling me something and that when we block our body’s reaction to trauma it gets stuck. So letting my body go through those things in a safe environment is key.

I feel a little lighter today. 🙂

Bless.