Monthly Archives: August 2013

Hide under my rainbow.

Cutting hearts out of the pieces left on the floor from the breaking free,

wondering to myself how to glue it back together without shards that hurt your outstretched hands,

and how long the picture will stay together,

when there’s attacks coming from a far away land.

So I build rainbows in my sky and hope they shield me from the heartache flying from over and away.

When there’s a pause in the landscape I send the broken pieces heart shaped over to the land far and away,

and I sit and hope the love reaches the beating centre.

Affect it, cease fire. ❤

 

I can only take so much in my heart. I can’t take everything from everywhere and everyone at once. 

Today.

Tested me.

Taught me. 

 

I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. I can’t heal what doesn’t want to be healed. And if it’s not WITHIN me, I don’t have to stay. I tried to save all of it, but I could only save myself. Heal myself. 

 

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A week of delving within, of learning.

Where do I begin?

Two very different things have been happening over the last week.

One, I went to two different shamanic sound healing workshops.

The first, was more of a dreamlike state. I went into what I can only describe as a trance, and when I came out of it the only thought in my mind was “don’t go back to sleep, don’t go back to sleep, stay awake and aware”. I took this as my subconscious and/or spiritual guides telling me to keep on the path I am on.

The second, was more of an awakening and incorporated breathwork. I experienced tingling sensations through my head and forehead that I can only understand as charges of energy coming through me, that my nerves went haywire over. All steps on the journey of moving forward. I felt very connected to the spirit world during this one. I let go of all the pain inside that I possibly could. I felt warm hands holding mine. I felt as though my mom as there with me, and I could feel her cheek against mine.

I’ve learned that the quieter and more in focus I get, the more I am connecting to the spiritual realm. There are guides both seen and unseen that are helping me in this process and I am thirsting for more. I am thankful that I’m opening up and seeing beyond reality to the beautiful existence that we all live in, but may not see.

Next order of business. First therapy appointment. Met with my new therapist who is very good. He had me figured out just by what I was telling him. I was in tears, first appointment. Always a good sign for me as I am usually quite defensive.

I had originally requested for a therapist that specialized in EMDR as I’ve had quite a lot of growth when I was doing EMDR. However, the place I go to doesn’t have a therapist who does EMDR right now, so after talking to the therapist I met and learning he specializes in Hypnotherapy, I decided I was going to try that route. It’s the only other specialized therapy I had considered. Essentially it is doing the same thing EMDR would do, just going about it a different way.

I am interested to see if I CAN be hypnotized because of my defensive nature. But time will tell. First hypnotherapy appointment is next week. 🙂

Trusting the journey I move forward to see where the path leads. I am excited, and locked in, ready to go. Til next time, namaste! ❤

Aware.

I connect to the innermost parts of my heart of hearts and soul of soul.

The source.

I connect with the universe as a whole.

I connect with nature.

The Mother.

I connect with animals and other humans and beings.

The Family.

I connect with my inner being, the divine within.

I remember, I remember.

I am burst wide open with joy and possibility.

With love.

With joy.

With happiness.

With wisdom.

Without fear.

Without judgement.

Letting go of the ego.

Letting go of shame.

Letting go of guilt.

I AM.

I WAS.

I WILL BE.

BECAUSE MY SOUL IS ALIVE.

AND I CAN.

Namaste.

Sun’s coming out today, and tomorrow, and forever and ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS0XyRDDMyk

As much as darkness can creep into the heart of a person with a dis-ease, a day like this sure can brighten up the sour-est mood. What a beauty!

I walked home today. Raised my face to the sun and let it’s energy pour down over me like a waterfall. I feel so at peace in the sunshine. Yay beautiful days! ❤

EMDR – The journey begins again

Yesterday, I re-registered myself for EMDR therapy. I needed to take a break from people in general for a bit, so I deactivated my Facebook. Unlike times when I withdraw from people because I am feeling the need to re-charge, this is different. This time, I know I need to focus on my healing. I feel so right on the path I’m on right now.

As I talked about in the video I posted below, EMDR was the one therapy that really “clicked” for me. It was a very quick progression as well. I was seeing results in as little as 3 sessions. I want nothing more than to continue that process and really focus on it.

So at least until the end of the month, this will be where I talk, where I post updates. No Facebook, no other social media. etc.

And well, that was strange, my therapist just called me as I was typing this! First appointment is next Wednesday. Not only that, but it was 4:44 pm when he called, which if you watched my video, 444 is a very significant number for me. That was crazy!

Anyways, onwards and upwards!

A face to the name, and more getting really real.

This is in response to my “coming out” the other day. Talking more about what it means to have C-PTSD and life in general. It’s a long one, but I needed to talk it out. A friend of mine said something very true the other day. He told me that when we write, we “edit” our words and thoughts, but when we speak, it flows. So I let it flow. ❤

Cat’s outta the bag!

I did it. I finally owned up as publicly as I could. Hey it’s Facebook but, it was pretty scary, and freeing. At the same time. Whoa life. You rock. ❤

 

I’ve been moving through some secret motions in life lately. Taking big leaps of faith and exposing my truth to people. Learning about who I am am and what makes me tick. How I can heal my heart and soul from within. A large part of that process is revealing my deepest darkest secrets to people. No longer afraid or feeling ashamed. 

So here goes: I see the world with much different eyes than most people. I have been through a lot. By no means am I saying feel sorry for me. But I do want to bring to people’s attention what life can do to people. I try my very best to not pass judgement because I would not want judgement passed on my life. Until you walk in someone’s shoes their whole life in every single environment and situation, you aren’t able to fully grasp what and how and why about them. I can’t express this more that we need to LOVE each other. Life is so very short and it all begins and ends with LOVE. Losing my mom, and many others taught me so much about how connected we all are. In life and in death. 

What have I been hiding? The terrible things that have happened in my life that led to a lifetime of mental illness. I have C-PTSD or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was diagnosed a year and a half ago, but I’ve been very un-eased since I was a very young child. I felt a lot of shame growing up, from a family who shunned me as a sort of “black sheep” to kids in school who didn’t understand my sudden mood changes or “flashbacks”. To boyfriends who didn’t understand what was making me tick. To friends who were pushed and pulled through things they didn’t deserve. I’ve been really good at hiding it. I’ve been really good at pushing things under the surface and pretending they aren’t there. But they are, and I am being accountable to myself and everyone now. By saying this in public view. I’ve kept a private-ish blog online since my diagnosis where I’ve been able to voice it, but, at the end of the day, the more we reach out and speak our truths, the more we become part of the collective souls of the universe. The more it makes it ok for people to truly be WHO THEY ARE. 

My life is a place of acceptance and love. If that doesn’t suit you, please leave. We’re happy over here. And whole. And living in truth. And love. Love love love. BIG love. 

The Dance.

Most people who follow my blog may know a little bit about me. That I have C-PTSD, that this is my “private” outlet for voicing what happens in my life. My journey that I may not want to share with everyone. Most of my friends don’t know about this blog. Very very few do.

So what do I do in my real life to heal? I DANCE. In fact, I co-own a dance/visual performance company in Canada. Dance is in my blood. I think I began dancing as soon as I could walk. It’s led me to the most beautiful places and people. My team is the most solid group of humans I could ever ask for. Who understand that dance is therapy to me. That if I’m not dancing with a fire inside, something is wrong.

I am forever grateful for the blessings we’ve been given. Last year we performed at 230 shows in 365 days! I’ve performed in front of upwards of 15,000 people.

Being in the public eye sometimes leads me to hide who I am. But recently, I’ve started talking about mental illness with almost everyone. Opening up. And to my great surprise not only were people accepting and loving, but they also opened up!

It’s been an incredible time of learning and growing.

Last week, was the one year anniversary of my mom’s death. I was performing at an outdoor music festival in the mountains. I saw butterflies all day around me. A common theme since she passed away. Mom, that dance was for you, and what a way to say hello! I love you. ❤

I think we so often get lost in our daily lives that we forget to dance. To remember. To live freely.

I hope you dance. I hope I dance. This day, and every day forward. With a fire inside.

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery,
sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by th e strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have
set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that
help us live side by side with each other, let
us risk remembering that we never stop silently
loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the ea rth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet
and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but sti ll the voices within and around us
shout that Soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your
people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s
children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to LOVE it! 

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness
and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and
in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
Dance with me in the infinite pause
before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into Being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me…

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The DanceImage