End of year reflection…and some big news

As I sit here and reflect on this year I wonder how much this year has helped me grow into a woman. I left behind a lot of things.

Illness plagued this year. Considering I spent approximately 5 months early this year bedridden and yet I am healthy today is a feat like no other. A miracle if you will.  Floxing changed everything about how I interact with the world. What substances I will put in my home and in my body. Chemicals are everywhere and I’m keeping my environment as natural as possible. 

Being sick also led to an even greater understanding of how very short life is. We only get one chance at life…well this one at least…so it’s pertinent to remember this and keep our dreams big and our hearts open.

My birthday is New Years Eve and I will be 29 this year. I have one last year of my 20’s and this is bringing about change as well.

My Saturn Return also falls over the next year. I’ve written several posts wondering about what my Saturn Return might mean.

Well, I do know one thing I will be doing…

My big news..

I am expecting my first child next year!

BIG changes on the way it seems. 🙂

And such a wonderful gift after struggling through this year.

I am excited and ecstatic! 

New moon tomorrow!

I am so very drawn to the new moon. It always seems like such an exciting time. And this is no exception as we move into the sun sign of Sagittarius on the same day! I’m also anticipating when Saturn moves into Sag as this marks the beginning of what I believe shall be interesting times as its my Saturn Return. It does this on Christmas Eve and hey my birthday is exactly a week later! I’ll be 29 and holy moly the last year of my 20’s will be a big one I can feel it!

I even suspect the slowing down of my life due to illness and personal choices has wiped the slate clean for what new and exciting things shall come!

So,
Tomorrow I will use this new moon energy to map out my wishes for the future.

Excited!!! ^.^

This one is going to go weird…

So. Almost a year ago I had psychic reading done by a woman. I’d won this reading a metaphysical meet up of sorts.

I didn’t think too much of it but this woman was so bang on about so many things. One of the things that she touched on was that when I was painting it helped me channel messages from the other side.  So I took her advice and I continued to intuitively paint.

In January of this year ( so about a month after my reading) I finally cracked open my childhood amnesia and was able to heal my past using EMDR therapy.  I wrote about that in the blog. What was interesting is that the day I went to the appointment where my memories came back I had energy swirling around my third eye Chakra.  My mind was letting go and opening.  It was pretty wild. During that session I could feel my mom there with me as well. 

That was an incredibly huge day I’d been waiting 20 years for.

A few days later I had the urge to paint.
OK….not just like oh I wanted to paint. We are talking primal urge. Hands shaking like something needed to get out…NOW! 

I did as I had done before and smudged my apartment and lit incense and played calming music.

My hands were anything but calm.

What came out of this painting was an image of the dark goddess also known by many other names such as Hecate and Kali. 

At the time after just pushing through 20 years of mental illness I took this as a sign that she had helped me transmute my trauma/darkness and move forward.

I am willing to fully admit I was wrong and what I was up against was still to come.

Less than two weeks later I had fallen ill. So ill as I’d never been in my entire life. Bedridden. Excruciating pain.

You can read previous blog posts if you need a refresher on what happened. 

But. No. Hecate showed herself to me because it was time for some DEEP transition and change in life.

A dark night of the soul.

It pulled me so far deep into my psyche and grabbed out all my fears about my life and silly lies I’d told myself about who I am.

What’s also interesting to note is the fact that the illness I was struck down with isn’t something that people get better from.

What I have surmised from this is that my particular case of illness was for a reason. Once that reason had been healed…it stopped. Imagine that. Hah.

But seriously?  Did I actually predict my illness?

Must pay more attention to signs. 😉

Angel visions.

I wanted to share a story I haven’t shared about my illness earlier this year.

In case you haven’t read my blog before I will explain. 

In February 2014 I was prescribed a drug called Cipro (ciprofloxacin) for a suspected but never confirmed kidney infection. (To this day I don’t believe I ever actually had one).

I took two pills of the antibiotic and felt like my right leg was swelling. 4 days later my leg was in such excruciating pain and seizing up that I could not walk. I was bedridden for 3.5 months and having to take percocet on a timer…literally. If I did not the pain that felt like my leg was being ripped apart would come back. Over the 3.5 months I developed head tremor, anxiety, panic attacks, shooting and electrical shock like pains through my body, among many other symptoms.

During this time I was often in and out of consciousness because of the heavy pain medication I was taking.

During one of these days I was so desperate for some relief after literally bawling and ripping my hair out wondering why this happened to me.

I was so desperate I was willing to try anything.

I called on Archangel Michael.

Later that day I experienced a closed eye vision of a very tall blue man. He must have been 10 ft tall. He wasn’t so much blue but he glowed that color. He did not have wings.

This being sat on the end of the bed for the whole day. Watching over me I think.

Shortly after this visitation I started seeing a naturopath who treated me with myofascial release on my leg and then eventually Glutathione IV’s.  The glutathione turned the tables.

I had been getting sicker and sicker until that point. After the first IV I could straighten my leg and after the second the other symptoms went away completely.

At 99 days after taking 2 pills I started to walk. 

Fast forward to September of this year I went through a 4 week relapse in illness.  This can happen. 

I’m almost 11 months past this and I still struggle but I am healing.

I won’t ever forget my visitation in my dire time of need. I wanted to die I was in such severe pain. I mean I didn’t really…but I was so desperate.

I’m still figuring out spirituality since I opened the door almost 3 years ago. But I do believe angels are very real.

♡

The spiritual meaning of illness and injury.

Exactly 106 days ago I was knocked down by a severe adverse reaction to an antibiotic I was given. It attacked my collagen in my leg causing degeneration in my tendons, ligaments and fascia, and the WORST pain I’d ever felt in my entire life. The type that makes you literally rip out your hair and want to die. Then it hit my central nervous system and gave me the worst insomnia, not sleeping for days. Then tremors, which felt like I had parkinsons’. Then nerve pains, electrical shocks through my body.

I read all over the internet about people getting this and being gravely ill for a year, or years. I then developed panic attacks and anxiety. I was the sickest I’d ever been in my entire life. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get better and if not for a very long time.

But the second I decided to change my views and let my body rest and heal as it needed to, I did start to get better.

As of 99 days into it, so a week ago today, I am able to walk. I am not dancing yet, but I imagine I will be soon. ALL of my symptoms have completely disappeared. The only thing remaining is a slightly shortened achilles tendon, which is being worked on in physio and I know I will make a full recovery.

Now, in a spiritual sense, what does this all mean?

I believe I was being tested. That it was a dark night of the soul. That I needed to go through this to really fight for what I wanted in my life. To fight for life itself.

A leg injury can mean you are afraid to move forward. And while I didn’t want to readily admit I was afraid of leaving all I knew behind and embarking on a new journey and new career, of course I actually was.

But this left me wanting for it, MORE.

It taught me the ever so hard to learn PATIENCE. I had to let my body slowly heal, and my mind heal along with it, as I lay in bed nearly 24-7 for over 3 months.

I’m stubborn. Only I could have this sort of experience to make me learn lol.

But I’m glad for it. I’m thankful for it.

I needed it.

So next you’re experiencing a roadblock of some kind…ask yourself…Do I need this lesson?

 

❤

Lessons.

Where is the answer when you lose your place, 
Caught in never never land,
Abadoned to your own devices, 
Blinded by your own pain.

What if you can’t keep climbing?
What if the stumble is part of the dance,
A sign of what you left untouched, 
And unhealed. 

A piece of the puzzle that wasn’t put in. 
A part of the journey that you were too blind to see before. 

And the moon illuminated it, 
ever so painful and hard to learn. 

What must one do with that knowledge now?
GROW

 

 

It’s been almost 7 weeks since this health ordeal began and through it, I’ve had many ups and downs. I realized that my mental health had taken a beating once again. Have I fallen deep into the path of C-PTSD again? No. But I did realize I have anxiety issues that were likely concurrent with the C-PTSD, and now I have a chance to deal with them. Maybe they were masked by other issues, and I’m just peeling away layers to get to the real me. 

As I’ve been going through this I remembered hearing about people who went through spiritual awakenings and thought they have conquered the last battle, only to be thrown into another out of nowhere to help them learn and heal some more. I believe that this is what is happening to me. Like the Universe is nu uh…you’re not done yet, dig DEEP. DEEPER. Keep going…

So now I dig some more. I’ve always been a “worrier”, someone who doesn’t like to be out of the comfort zone unless I”m doing it purposely. But as a child I remember being painfully shy, awkward socially. I’ve learned to get over it for the most part, but the anxiety remained. 

Now, with the health issues I’ve been having, anxiety has surged to the surface once again. Seemingly out of nowhere. Yes I have lots of be concerned about because this is a scary thing I’m going through. But the constant tremors and panic attacks that have taken over my existence the last couple weeks is something I’ve never experienced. 

Perhaps, I needed to be pushed through a situation that brought this to the surface and illuminated it so I could once again delve deep inside and fix it. I feel that’s what is happening right now. 

And I won’t get better until I get a handle on this. Until I heal it, and grow from it. 

 

Remembrance.

It’s been 20 days since this entire ordeal of health issues started and I am happy to report that I have finally had two days in a row where I haven’t needed any pain medication. That’s definitely a jump up from anything that has previously been happening. So what changed? Why the sudden turn around?

I stopped feeling sorry for myself and letting fear take hold. 

I’m a really really positive person normally and I became a person I didn’t like the last two weeks. I KNEW that if I kept my mood up that it would help me, but I just couldn’t see any way out through blinding pain. I was in crisis mode. I was scared of what was happening to my body. How long it would take to get back dancing. How long it would be until a doctor could help me. 

After a long talk with a friend of mine, yesterday morning I decided to call in my spirit guides and surrender to what was. To surrender my fear. To surrender my anxiety. To let the Universe take hold of where my health was at and help me heal. And I started feeling better. 

In the last two days I haven’t let my fear take hold and have instead been trying to help my body heal with tons of rest. 

Sometimes, we have bad days, or trying times in our lives. We have to be gentle with ourselves and others. 

And I need to remember that more power and beauty lies in my own heart and soul than I choose to use in times of crisis. I have the ability to heal my mind and my soul and my heart. I really need to just do that. 

That was my lesson this week. Trust, surrender, let go and use your power. 

 

❤

Hope.

What can I say? 

Its been a scary couple of weeks. 

Today my doctor confirmed I have tendon “issues”. Basically,  I have tendintis in almost every tendon from the knee down in my right leg.  I have been given only the answer of its going to take time. I have to keep resting,  put heat on it, and probably need physio.  

What iis terrible is the fact that I only took two doses of Cipro. Why is a drug like this even on the market? 

I aam frustrated and trying to keep my head up because I must keep positive to get better. 

I am going to get healthy again. 

I am going to dance everyday again.

I am going to survive. 

I am strong. 

Why I quit drinking at age 28.

My birthday was New Years Eve, and for the first time this year, I did not drink, I did not get high, and I had a wonderful night in with the man I love. 

I had my “birthday party” on the 28th of December, and that was the last night I will hopefully ever pick up a drink or drugs again. 

I had decided I was going to not drink while I was doing my Wu Tao teacher training, and that would take me about 5-6 months to do. I figured it was a good way to give my body a break, and try to quit smoking. 

What came just this last week, was the realization that I don’t ever want to pick up a drink again. 

When I drank, I wanted to do drugs. I’d do drugs til the next morning, fully knowing that I was hating myself for doing so. I was self medicating.

When I drank, I became an angry drunk. One too many nights full of fighting, throwing drinks, and even punching people. 

When I drank, I hated myself. 

When I drank, I smoked too much. 

When I drank, I slipped farther away from my path. 

When I drank, I was not true to me. 

So, on December 28, 2013, I had my last drink. I haven’t looked back. The drinking was never really something that pulled me in or that I felt I HAD to do, it just led to all sorts of other things I didn’t need. 

Today, I am 25 days sober and clean. 

Today, I am 5 days quit smoking. 

Today, I look forward with bright eyes towards a very rewarding future helping to heal others. 

I am stoked. ❤

Many of my friends have not really understood where I’m coming from. But, as I have healed my past and inner self, I have realized all the damage I had been doing to myself over the years just trying to cope. I don’t need to “cope” anymore. I freed myself. It is with knowing that, that I may walk forward without the need to be numbed or taken by anything. My friends will catch up when they realize this is really what is best for me. I’m not weird, I have just chosen to really live the best healthy life I can for myself. 

Forward movement.

So what am I going to do now that I am free? 

Well, I am doing teacher training for a type of dance based in chinese medicine called Wu Tao. 

http://www.wutaodance.com

I am moving back to the beautiful mountains of British Columbia, Canada. 

I am leaving my current company as co-owner and dancer. 

I am ready for what the future holds, and a beautiful life back in my favorite place in Canada. 

Onwards and upwards!